I've been MIA for quite some time. A lot has changed in my life, good and bad, in the past four months. The biggest change being I now live with my friend and her two daughters instead of my parents, good change for sure! I love my parents, and am grateful for them taking me and the boys in. But, it's not easy to be back home, as a grown up, with your children. I felt like a kid again, and I did not want to over stay my welcome.
Now, on to the post...
Since my marathon, I've done very little in the form of training. Unfortunately I've continued to eat as if I'm still training. Because of this, I now weigh more than I've ever weighed besides being pregnant, or postpartum. I am mortified by the number on the scale. My pants don't fit anymore, had to go buy bigger ones. And the thought of wearing a bathing suit makes me break out in a cold sweat. So, for the first time in my life, I am worried about my weight, and it's not unwarranted!
So, it's "diet" time. I try so hard to be good. Counting calories, eating low calories, low fat. So many fruits and veggies. But then, those damn girl scouts come around, and I eat half a sleeve of thin mints. Or Wegman's has their hot cross buns, and I eat two on my way to bed. It's always late at night. When I've behaved all day, and the carb monster takes over. I feel guilty while I'm doing it, and even worse after.
Then there is the working out. I keep promising myself I will work out at least six days a week. Come up with a schedule in my head for the week to come. And by Tuesday morning, the snooze button wins. So Wednesday I tell myself I will start over next week. But next week never comes.
And then, I get on the scale. And want to cry. That's when I promise to not let it happen again. To start eating and training right. All the while I hear my friend and first tri trainer saying "Don't cheat me, you only cheat yourself" in my head.
I'm blogging again, in the hopes that it will also get me back on track with my training. I am going to pick a race, pay for it, and set a realistic goal for finishing it. Then I will set a goal for losing the extra pounds, to get to my racing weight. Most importantly, I will work hard to stick to both of these goals. And, I will stop cheating on myself.....
3.31.2012
11.22.2011
Finishing is Winning?
This past weekend I "ran" my first marathon. I put ran in quotes because with my official finish time, I don't feel as if I was running very much. 5:31:45. An hour over my goal time of 4.5 hours. To say I am disappointed in myself is an understatement. I am almost ashamed of my results. I know to some that may sound like I'm looking for sympathy, or to others it may sound absurd. But, it's the truth. I set out to do something, and I feel as if I did not accomplish it. As if I've failed. So, below is my race report on the 2011 Philadelphia Marathon, in an effort to put it behind me and move on.
Both of my boys wanted to go to the marathon. And I wanted both of them there. So, my wonderful friend Erin agreed to come along for the ride and keep an eye on them during the race. Saturday morning we packed up Ruby the Rav4 and headed out for the trip. We made it down there with very little difficulty, considering my limited city driving experience. After we found our hotel and were pointed in the direction of the parking garage by the valet (I'm not paying you $15 to drive my car across the street, thank you very much) we decided to head to the expo before checking in. I had already planned on spending some cash at the expo, because I had discovered while packing that I do not have any running gear cool enough to wear for a marathon! After getting my bib, and bag full of goodies, we started exploring. My first purchase was the 26.2 sticker for the back of my car. And then we set out to find me something to wear. I settled on my first ever running skirt, and a bright orange t-shirt that said "Twenty Six Point Freaking Two" and the back said "Because 26.3 Would Be Crazy". I also bought a SPIBelt for the many gels that I was going to require to survive the marathon. Once we were done exploring the expo (or listening to Bubba whine that he was done), we went to check into the hotel. The room was awesome. Huge doesn't begin to describe it. Wish we had more time to just hang out and enjoy it. After a little nap, we had dinner at the Hard Rock Cafe, let Bubba swim in the hotel pool, and then headed to the room for an early bed time. I laid out all of my stuff for the morning, and set three alarms, to ensure I got up in time.
I got up with the third alarm at 5:30, after effectively annoying, and awakening my three room mates. I forced down a banana and a bagel with Nutela, and got ready. The Big One picked on me for putting on make up, but as a 15 year old boy he just doesn't get it. Once I was ready, and posed for a couple of pictures, I set out for my 1.7 mile walk to the race start. Fortunately, a friend of mine was running the half, and we were both in the same start wave. We made arrangements to meet at the start which we successfully accomplished, but despite our best efforts or children and their care givers never did meet up while we ran. She had anticipated not being able to run all 13.1 miles, but we were going to try to run together for at least the first five. Coach Kristin had instructed me to run 11 min miles for at least the first half, which fit right into Debb's anticipated pace. So when we finally made it to the start, almost 30 minutes after the elites, we were off.
I must say the first half was great. Debb was a great pace setter for me, and we pretty much stuck to the 11 min miles. We stopped at every water stop, and I took my gels as scheduled, every 45 mins or so, depending on the aid stations. I did have to make one quick stop at the port a john as I am just not quite ready to pee while running. Debb grew up in Philly, so besides being a great running companion, she was also a good tour guide. The best sites were at miles 1, 6, and 13 when I saw Erin and the Boys cheering me on. There were also some creative signs from some of the spectators. The first half flew by, and we were soon forced to separate. Right after we split from each other, I saw my three biggest fans, and ran over to hug and kiss my babies. According to Active.com, my first half was 2:29:24. Not too bad. If I picked up the pace, the 4:30 might be possible, and 4:45 was very doable.
I knew mile 14 was my first big obstacle. That was where I hit the wall with every long training run. So when I passed it, I texted KW to tell her. She called to see how I was doing. (Yes, I had my phone on me...) She ended the call with, you are almost to mile 16, then it's just a flat, easy 10 mile run. I felt good. Got a kick out of the anti-chafing/lube station shortly after that point where they were literally passing out some sort of white goop to people. One man apologized to me as he ran beside me rubbing it on his nipples. I continued to feel ok, and thought I just might make it without having to walk. And then I hit mile 18. This is when my ITBS, which had tried to end my running career last year, and again three weeks pre-marathon, decided it was time to act up. It was all down hill from there. At mile 20 I sent a text to KW letting her know I quit. Which she promptly replied to with a message about all the people who supported me, and two very special boys who were proud of me. So I carried on. And several of my friends who had signed up for the text updates sent me messages of support. Also got one from Debb letting me know she was waiting for me at the finish.
At mile 23 I sent KW a text saying I only had a 5k left and that I could do it. Her response was to run the last three miles for me. And I tried. But it was more of a walk than a run. I just had nothing left. My knee hurt, and I was tired. And hungry. And wanted to be done with this damn race. Then, I got close to the finish, and Erin and the boys were waiting to run me in. I got to cross the finish line holding each of my boys hands. Then I was greeted by Debb and a great big hug. Oh, and a medal, I may have gotten a medal.
So, I did it. I finished a marathon. But that feeling I was told I would get, the "this is a momentous occasion, angels singing, oh my goodness I did it" feeling never came. I just wanted to change, eat, and go home. And there were a few other untruths told to me. The second half is not flat. There are hills. And that phrase on the t-shirt, and medal "The Best Time of Your Life" was also a crock of shit.
I am not happy with the race. I am not proud. Many don't get it. But Kristin does. That's why she is my coach. But more importantly, it's why she is my friend. Her response today when I admitted I'm not proud at all: "That's what makes you an athlete. The hunger to do better. Now we have a benchmark, lets pick another and lay out a new plan." So that is what we are going to do. Pick another marathon, and go kick some ass. After I fix my knee. Maybe then I can believe what my Road Id says "Finishing is Winning".
Both of my boys wanted to go to the marathon. And I wanted both of them there. So, my wonderful friend Erin agreed to come along for the ride and keep an eye on them during the race. Saturday morning we packed up Ruby the Rav4 and headed out for the trip. We made it down there with very little difficulty, considering my limited city driving experience. After we found our hotel and were pointed in the direction of the parking garage by the valet (I'm not paying you $15 to drive my car across the street, thank you very much) we decided to head to the expo before checking in. I had already planned on spending some cash at the expo, because I had discovered while packing that I do not have any running gear cool enough to wear for a marathon! After getting my bib, and bag full of goodies, we started exploring. My first purchase was the 26.2 sticker for the back of my car. And then we set out to find me something to wear. I settled on my first ever running skirt, and a bright orange t-shirt that said "Twenty Six Point Freaking Two" and the back said "Because 26.3 Would Be Crazy". I also bought a SPIBelt for the many gels that I was going to require to survive the marathon. Once we were done exploring the expo (or listening to Bubba whine that he was done), we went to check into the hotel. The room was awesome. Huge doesn't begin to describe it. Wish we had more time to just hang out and enjoy it. After a little nap, we had dinner at the Hard Rock Cafe, let Bubba swim in the hotel pool, and then headed to the room for an early bed time. I laid out all of my stuff for the morning, and set three alarms, to ensure I got up in time.
I got up with the third alarm at 5:30, after effectively annoying, and awakening my three room mates. I forced down a banana and a bagel with Nutela, and got ready. The Big One picked on me for putting on make up, but as a 15 year old boy he just doesn't get it. Once I was ready, and posed for a couple of pictures, I set out for my 1.7 mile walk to the race start. Fortunately, a friend of mine was running the half, and we were both in the same start wave. We made arrangements to meet at the start which we successfully accomplished, but despite our best efforts or children and their care givers never did meet up while we ran. She had anticipated not being able to run all 13.1 miles, but we were going to try to run together for at least the first five. Coach Kristin had instructed me to run 11 min miles for at least the first half, which fit right into Debb's anticipated pace. So when we finally made it to the start, almost 30 minutes after the elites, we were off.
I must say the first half was great. Debb was a great pace setter for me, and we pretty much stuck to the 11 min miles. We stopped at every water stop, and I took my gels as scheduled, every 45 mins or so, depending on the aid stations. I did have to make one quick stop at the port a john as I am just not quite ready to pee while running. Debb grew up in Philly, so besides being a great running companion, she was also a good tour guide. The best sites were at miles 1, 6, and 13 when I saw Erin and the Boys cheering me on. There were also some creative signs from some of the spectators. The first half flew by, and we were soon forced to separate. Right after we split from each other, I saw my three biggest fans, and ran over to hug and kiss my babies. According to Active.com, my first half was 2:29:24. Not too bad. If I picked up the pace, the 4:30 might be possible, and 4:45 was very doable.
I knew mile 14 was my first big obstacle. That was where I hit the wall with every long training run. So when I passed it, I texted KW to tell her. She called to see how I was doing. (Yes, I had my phone on me...) She ended the call with, you are almost to mile 16, then it's just a flat, easy 10 mile run. I felt good. Got a kick out of the anti-chafing/lube station shortly after that point where they were literally passing out some sort of white goop to people. One man apologized to me as he ran beside me rubbing it on his nipples. I continued to feel ok, and thought I just might make it without having to walk. And then I hit mile 18. This is when my ITBS, which had tried to end my running career last year, and again three weeks pre-marathon, decided it was time to act up. It was all down hill from there. At mile 20 I sent a text to KW letting her know I quit. Which she promptly replied to with a message about all the people who supported me, and two very special boys who were proud of me. So I carried on. And several of my friends who had signed up for the text updates sent me messages of support. Also got one from Debb letting me know she was waiting for me at the finish.
At mile 23 I sent KW a text saying I only had a 5k left and that I could do it. Her response was to run the last three miles for me. And I tried. But it was more of a walk than a run. I just had nothing left. My knee hurt, and I was tired. And hungry. And wanted to be done with this damn race. Then, I got close to the finish, and Erin and the boys were waiting to run me in. I got to cross the finish line holding each of my boys hands. Then I was greeted by Debb and a great big hug. Oh, and a medal, I may have gotten a medal.
So, I did it. I finished a marathon. But that feeling I was told I would get, the "this is a momentous occasion, angels singing, oh my goodness I did it" feeling never came. I just wanted to change, eat, and go home. And there were a few other untruths told to me. The second half is not flat. There are hills. And that phrase on the t-shirt, and medal "The Best Time of Your Life" was also a crock of shit.
I am not happy with the race. I am not proud. Many don't get it. But Kristin does. That's why she is my coach. But more importantly, it's why she is my friend. Her response today when I admitted I'm not proud at all: "That's what makes you an athlete. The hunger to do better. Now we have a benchmark, lets pick another and lay out a new plan." So that is what we are going to do. Pick another marathon, and go kick some ass. After I fix my knee. Maybe then I can believe what my Road Id says "Finishing is Winning".
9.11.2011
Remembories
I remember lots of things. Weird random facts I learned in 7th grade, the birthday of a girl I haven't been friends with since 8th grade, the phone number of my childhood best friend, or part of a colorguard routine I did hundreds of times back in high school. I have many wonderful memories, like holding each of my children for the first time, the way it felt the first time I crossed a finish line at a race, my first kiss, the rush I used to get when performing in front of a crowd. The funny things kids have said over the years, like one of them saying remembories, instead of memories. I also have many memories I wish I could forget. The phone call on Thanksgiving morning telling me of a good friends death the night before, saying goodbye to the baby I never met, saying goodbye to my little brother as he went off to fight a war, comforting my heartbroken son when he got cut from the basketball team, seeing my baby pale, and unresponsive in the back of an ambulance.
All of these memories of my past have been an important part of helping me become the person I am today, for better or worse. But there is one memory that I have that I share with the rest of the world. A memory that has shaped the lives of an entire country. Just as you can ask anyone who was alive in November of 1963 where they were when they heard of JFK's assassination, and they can tell you without hesitation, if you ask anyone what they were doing on Tuesday, September 11, 2001 they can respond with vivid detail as if it happened yesterday.
In September of 2001 The Big One had started kindergarten, and I had returned to school myself. I didn't have classes on Tuesdays, so I dropped him off at school and came home to spend my day watching 90210 reruns. I was doing just that when my phone rang. My mother in law, who was at work, was in a panic. Was I watching the news? Did I know what was going on? Did I hear about the plane crash in NYC? The rest of my day was then spent glued to the TV, watching the events unfold. Not believing what I was seeing was real. Horrified as the events of the day were happening in front of my eyes. Realizing that the world as I knew it was no more. Worried about what the future would hold for my young son. Wanting to go pick him up from school, hold him in my arms, and never let go.
In the days and weeks that followed, I spent a lot of time watching the news. Obsessing over every detail. Not wanting to know more, but needing to find out. I didn't sleep, had panic attacks, and stressed over the uncertainty of my future, of what our country would become. I no longer felt safe, and worried non-stop about when the other shoe would drop. What else were "they" going to do to "us"?
It's been ten years since our country was rocked to it's core by tragedy. It's been a decade since I first turned to watch Matt Lauer on the Today show to find out what it was that had gotten my mother in law so upset. I've been through many ups and downs since 9-11-01. Made many new memories, both bad and good in all of that time. But, none of them will ever replace the remembories of that fateful day.
All of these memories of my past have been an important part of helping me become the person I am today, for better or worse. But there is one memory that I have that I share with the rest of the world. A memory that has shaped the lives of an entire country. Just as you can ask anyone who was alive in November of 1963 where they were when they heard of JFK's assassination, and they can tell you without hesitation, if you ask anyone what they were doing on Tuesday, September 11, 2001 they can respond with vivid detail as if it happened yesterday.
In September of 2001 The Big One had started kindergarten, and I had returned to school myself. I didn't have classes on Tuesdays, so I dropped him off at school and came home to spend my day watching 90210 reruns. I was doing just that when my phone rang. My mother in law, who was at work, was in a panic. Was I watching the news? Did I know what was going on? Did I hear about the plane crash in NYC? The rest of my day was then spent glued to the TV, watching the events unfold. Not believing what I was seeing was real. Horrified as the events of the day were happening in front of my eyes. Realizing that the world as I knew it was no more. Worried about what the future would hold for my young son. Wanting to go pick him up from school, hold him in my arms, and never let go.
In the days and weeks that followed, I spent a lot of time watching the news. Obsessing over every detail. Not wanting to know more, but needing to find out. I didn't sleep, had panic attacks, and stressed over the uncertainty of my future, of what our country would become. I no longer felt safe, and worried non-stop about when the other shoe would drop. What else were "they" going to do to "us"?
It's been ten years since our country was rocked to it's core by tragedy. It's been a decade since I first turned to watch Matt Lauer on the Today show to find out what it was that had gotten my mother in law so upset. I've been through many ups and downs since 9-11-01. Made many new memories, both bad and good in all of that time. But, none of them will ever replace the remembories of that fateful day.
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