I Think I'll Name Him Sven

Yesterday Sucked.  Plain and simple.  It was an emotionally draining day, that left me feeling empty.  It was the anniversary of the suicide of my sister-in-law's sister.  I went to the memorial mass during my lunch break, to show her my support.  Sitting in the pew behind them, watching her mother shake, crying, still devastated by the heartache of losing her daughter three years ago.  Seeing her father, and the broken man he has become.  And my SIL, who still asks why.  Who blames herself.  Who wishes she could go be with her sister, because she is so lost with out her.  The reason this was so difficult for me this year was because I almost caused this pain to my parents and my sister.  I almost broke the hearts of two little boys.  I was so close to committing the most selfish act humanly possible.  Sitting there, I was over come with guilt, knowing that those three broken souls in front of me could have been my mom, and dad, and sister. 
By the time I got home from work, and running around with The Big One to get something he had left behind at school in November that needed to be hunted down, I was spent.  Thankfully The Ex had gotten McDonald's for the boys since he had Bubba with him.  I didn't have to figure out what to feed them.  I made my dinner, and went into my room to make some phone calls, while the two of them trashed my living room, and beat each other up (all in good fun, I assure you).  Once Bubba tired of wrestling with his brother, he snuck into my bed to cuddle with me while I waited on eternal hold, hoping someone would answer.  After finally giving up, I snuggled up to my little man, and closed my eyes, for just a minute, knowing my bike and the trainer were waiting for me. 
I never did get out of bed to do that ride.  I woke to my 10 pm alarm (the one I set to make sure The Big One goes to bed), changed out of my work clothes, and went back to sleep until it was time to get up for the day.  I'm feeling very guilty for skipping yet another ride.   I'm trying to come up with some motivation.  I joked on my Facebook status about riding the trainer for a while that it was too bad I wasn't talking about a hot personal trainer.  Cause that is the kind of ride that I would stay awake for (or get up at 5 am for). 
Now, for those of you new to my life, Pepe is my bike.  I decided that anything that spends that much time that close to my lady parts must be a male.  Now I've decided that the trainer must also be male.  I will be naming him finally.  And his name is Sven.  When I say it's time to go ride Sven, this is who you should picture:

He is now my virtual personal trainer.  If I had a trainer who looked like that, I would NEVER sleep in, or skip a work out.  I think I love him!

Fake Triathlete

I have never taken an ice bath
I don't own any real tri clothing
I don't even own bike shorts
I still use regular pedals with my running sneakers
I let the snooze button win more often than not
I've never puked while training
I've never blown a snot rocket
I've never "bonked"


I don't feel like a real triathlete yet.  I feel like an intruder, an invader among actual triathletes.  Like I don't quite belong in this world yet.  I want to be here, but I haven't quite earned my place yet. 

I really want to sign up for Rev3 Quassy, and just go for it.  I don't really have the money, and haven't been training for an Olympic distance triathlon to be the first tri of the season.  But, if I were a real triathlete, wouldn't I figure out a way to make it happen?  To be at the starting line, and to cross the finish line?

I'm trying to find my "why".
Why do I want to continue competing in this world I don't belong?  My friend yesterday told me I deserved the bike I was drooling over while trying on the bike shoes.  He told me that I deserve to put it on lay-a-way.   That triathlon has become more than just a hobby for me, it's become a passion.  He's right.  I love the feeling of crossing the finish line.  And I don't plan on ever winning a race, or even my age group.  For me finishing is winning.  I can't wait for the first race of the season.  I also can't believe how quickly that first race is coming up.
So for now, my "why" is going to be the Sprint that I'm signed up for the week after Quassy.  I wish my why was Quassy.  Maybe next year, if I'm a "real" triathlete.

Dear Easter Bunny

I sent a letter to Santa via my blog many months ago, and thankfully he reads my blog and hooked me up with a couple of things from my list. So I'm hoping the Easter Bunny reads my blog and hooks me up too!

Dear Easter Bunny,

I do not expect all of the things on my list. In fact, I am pretty sure a bunny couldn't deliver most of them. But just in case you were wondering what to put in my basket this year, here is my wish list.

Magic Bullet
Aero bar
bike shoes and clips
Tri shorts
Tri tops
Running shoes
Garmin
Bike rack
Treadmill
Race entry fees for 2011 Skinnyman & Syracuse 70.3

Thanks Easter Bunny

Much Love,
Wanna Be Iron Mommy

EDIT:
P.S. I fell in love with the Specialized Ruby in white/turquoise at the Bike Loft yesterday. If you would like to either put the 20% down for the layaway, or just buy her for me, that would be awesome as well.

Angry Bird

I feel like I'm living the game Angry Birds.  There has been a Robin attacking my kitchen window since Tuesday.  The Big One shot at it with an air soft gun on Day 1.  He missed, scared Robin away for a little bit, but he came back shortly after.  I then suggested he let the cat out (same cat who is scared of hamsters in plastic balls, but the bird doesn't need to know that).  Mr Angry Bird just sat on the fence, glaring at the cat until he came back in, and went back at it.  Day 2 he started up at 6 am.  I tried hanging fake hawk shadows in the window.  He laughed at my efforts, and was still going strong when I went to bed at 9.  Day 3 he decided that one window wasn't enough, and went after the bathroom window as well.  I recorded him, standing right in the kitchen window, and he didn't care that I was standing right there.  Day 4 The Big One shot at him with his BB gun, and again missed (as I knew he would) and Bubba and I went to go buy a big scary plastic owl.  Today is Day 5.  After sizing up the owl, Mr Angry Bird again laughed at my efforts and went right back at it.  The cat facisnated by this bird, was sitting in the kitchen window, and bird kept going at it.  Someone has now suggested shiny mylar balloons.  I will buy four.  One for each of my back windows.  If that doesn't work, I'm giving my ex the house back and moving in with whomever has room for me, my two boys, two hamsters, my cat, and of course, my bike.

Creature of Habit

EDIT:  Many people have been telling me they can't comment.  Which makes me feel better since so many posts are going comment-less.  I've been feeling unloved.  I messed around a little.  Hoping it helps.  Let me know if it didn't by shooting me an email!

 I hate change.  New things, experiences, people make me nervous.  I would consider myself OCD if I wasn't such a slob.  I want things to just stay the same forever!  When we sold my grandparents house, my sister and I got most of my grandmother's kitchen stuff.  Whenever I make French Toast (one of my specialties) I make it in my grandma's griddle.  I have had it for almost 15 years.  Lord only knows how long she had it.  It's ancient.  My parents gave us a new, nicer, bigger, griddle.  I never use it.  It would probably work better.  Most likely more energy efficient.  But, I always grab grandma's.

Old habits die hard.  It takes 21 days to break a bad habit.  Today the ex and I got into it.  Bad Day!  Accusations, threats, blame.  Hurtful things said by both of us.  I sat at my desk crying most of the day.  At about 2:30 I realized I hadn't eaten anything since my breakfast smoothie.  Even though I had a bag packed full of healthy snacks, and a great lunch.  I didn't touch it.  I got upset, and I shut down.  Just didn't eat.  Not on purpose.  But, as soon as I realized it, I ate my lunch.  Being mindful of this nasty habit is the first step in breaking it.  If it takes 21 days to break, do I have to start back over?  Do I count tomorrow as day one again?

My other bad habit I'm breaking is my long love affair with Little Debbie.  I know I need to pack on pounds, but they need to be good pounds.  Not the kind of pounds she will give to me.  I've added lots of other good stuff.  The Big One and I are having smoothies every morning.   With Whey protein.  And I'm eating so many fresh fruits and vegetables that you might not want to visit my cubicle in the afternoon.  Of course my grocery budget is suffering, but it's all for a good cause.

Now if I can just get rid of the nasty snooze button habit so I can get my workouts in before work...

Discrimination Against Skinny People

I have been thin basically my entire life, with the exception of my pregnancies and the year after having Bubba.  It's mostly genetics.  I honestly don't think I will/could ever be "fat".  Something that has always bugged me about being a "skinny" person are the comments.  Others feel it's fine to comment on my size.

Why is it okay for someone to say to me: You're too skinny.
Yet, I could never say back to them: You're too fat.

Why is it okay for someone to say to me: You're so skinny, I can count your ribs.
Yet, I could never say back to them: You're so fat, I can count your rolls.

Why is it okay for someone to say to me: You're a twig. 
Yet, I could never say back to them: You're a whale.

Why is it okay for someone to say to me: You're deathly thin. 
Yet, I could never say back to them: You're morbidly obese.

Why is it okay for someone to say to me: You should really eat more. 
Yet, I could never say back to them: You should really eat less.

Why is it okay for someone to say to me: Maybe if you gained weight, you'd have boobs. 
Yet, I could never say back to them: Maybe if you lost weight, you'd have a waist.

Why is it okay for someone to say to me: You're so skinny your pants almost fall off of you. 
Yet, I could never say back to them: You're so fat your pants almost rip at the seams.

Maybe I should start replying to people with these comments.  Maybe I should make it just as inappropriate to call someone skinny as it is to call someone fat.  It can be just as hard for some people to gain weight as it is for others to lose weight.  Being called skinny can hurt just as much as being called fat. 

So the moral of the story is, if you wouldn't say something to an overweight person, don't say the opposite to an underweight person!

Shamrock Shake

A friend of mine who is unable to celebrate St. Patty's this year asked me to have a green beer for them.  Since I absolutely, positively, can not stand beer, and the thought of drinking a green beer makes me want to vomit, I opted to celebrate by treating myself and my boys to a Shamrock Shake after The Big One's indoor soccer practice.  (and I may or may not have gotten myself a large fry with my shake...)
So to those who suggested it, thanks for the idea!


Good nutrition starts over tomorrow.

Extreme Eating

It's amazing how someone can know you better than you know yourself.  I have known Missy for a really long time.  I won't say how long exactly, cause then it would give away our true ages, and we are both under the belief that we are forever 25.  But, I can say that I met her when I was in 9th grade.  We lost touch for several years, but thanks to Facebook, are friends again.  It's her fault I am a triathlete.  I will never be the athlete that Missy is, but she is one of my inspirations.  Not just in triathlon, but in life.  We used to train together, but I just can't keep up with her anymore!  I hope to some day catch up to her. 

After reading yesterday's post Missy knew all to well that I was about to go overboard.  That I was going to go from one extreme to the other.  This is the message that was in my inbox waiting from her this morning:

I know it sucks and some days are just sucky. While your boys are incredible inspirations for you to remain healthy, you have to also want it for yourself. Your mental well being is so hugely affected by your physical health, it will muddy the waters so to speak. Stress is a bitch, she is really a huge bitch!

Really the best thing I can say to you is listen to your internal voice, your internal dialogue. I don't want to see you go from not eating to obsessively eating and documenting and measuring, and then use that against yourself too. It's awesome to write it down so you can call yourself out when you're not eating enough, but don't use it as another way to punish yourself or tell yourself you did something wrong or that it isn't perfect. You have to change the voice inside you that is telling you that Caroline doesn't measure up, or isn't handling this, or that you're not good enough. Positive affirmations that are every day, in those hard moments, when that stressful thing pops up....it's not targeted at you because you're a failure. Crap happens! LOL.

I have struggled with self image and food issues my whole life. It's not really about the food or the eating, it's about how you feel about yourself and the things in your life, so I am so proud of you for accepting that, it's the hardest part. Stay in the positive on this and you'll be turning it around. Celebrate every win. DON'T GET OBSESSIVE. Cut yourself some slack. Go get a shamrock shake, lol.

Do you also think the appetite thing could be a side effect of the medications? I have heard that too - so remember if that's true, you're not going to feel hungry. Set a reminder in your calendar to eat. Whatever tricks trigger you to remember and stick to your guns.

You have lots and lots of fans and friends wanting you to be healthy and healed. Now YOU need to want it for you too. Love you girl, stay strong. 

Now I have to point out that she is the second person in two days to tell me to get a shamrock shake.  The first was my preggo BFF, and now my vegan tri buddy.  I think tomorrow, on St. Patty's Day, the boys and I may just have to each have one.

But more importantly, she's spot on with what I've started doing.  I'm still controlling the food.  Just in a different way.  By documenting, and accounting for every calorie.  And my medication does have a side effect of suppressing appetite (cause I told them not to give me one that would make me fat!).  So I do have to remind myself to eat.  But I also need to make sure I'm taking enough in to at least maintain my weight/bmi with the amount of training I'm doing.  

How do I find that happy medium?  How do I just eat, and not make food the center of my universe?

It's all about Control

First, before I get into the real post, I want to say OUCH!  I jumped into this sticking to my training thing with both feet, and ran outside, for the first time in months, last night, and then did a ride on the trainer.  My legs are feeling it today.  I will still hit tonight's planned trainer ride as well, after the Little League board meeting, so it's going to be late, and I will be tired, but I will still do it.  I promised you all, and more importantly, myself that I was going to do it.  So I will.


After the third new medical professional brought up that maybe it was possible I might have an eating disorder, I started to think it might be true.  But, I was still skeptical.  I am not trying to lose weight.  I don't starve myself.  I don't make myself throw up.  In fact, I don't LET myself throw up.  I've always been thin.  I have a high metabolism.  Anyway, just in case these crazy people were on to something, I sent an email to the eating disorder expert Mary Eggers, and asked if she thought it was really possible.  I anticipated her answer to be no.  That I was just depressed, and the weight loss and not eating was because of that.  Well, she didn't answer that way.  She too was on board with the growing number of people who were under the belief that I had a problem.  Her first response to my question was "You know, as I was reading your blog, and you wrote about not eating, the thought crossed my mind a few times".

I still didn't want to believe it.  I didn't not eat on purpose.  I just can't eat when I get upset.  So what.  It's better than binge overeating, right?  I was going to bring it up in my next therapy session, but I had a ski trip to take my boys on.  I would worry about me when we got back.  While we were on that trip, I started to see what others saw.  The bathroom I was using to shower and get ready in had a much bigger mirror than my bathroom.  And seeing myself with no clothes on, in the mirror, I thought I might be just a tad too thin.  But, I still wasn't 100% on board with the diagnosis. 

I brought it up in therapy, and my psych nurse and I decided I would keep a food journal.  So I could see how much, or as the case usually was, how little I was eating every day.  I was leaning more and more toward the possibility that everyone else was right.  And that I could, in fact, be wrong for once (a very rare occurrence, I assure you!)  Then, the next day my coworker and I were dying my hair.  We decided to take a before and after picture.  And when she showed me the first picture she took, I knew it was all true. 

I have always been thin.  But this is not thin.  This is skeletal.  The fact that I've had to go buy all new bras because mine are way too big, and that I can buy them in the little girls section isn't right.  The fact that I can go days without eating, and not be hungry, is not normal.  I need to fix this.  I need to get this under control.  I need to EAT!

The second time Mary emailed me regarding my eating disorder, she wasn't as nice as the first response.  But I know she did it because she cares.  Because it needed to be done.  And I now have that email printed out and hanging on my bedroom mirror.  And here is just a portion of the email that probably saved my life:

"I have been recovered for 17 years, I have had my struggles, we all do and we all will. The one thing that keeps me from ever diving back into that behavior is my son. I will not do that to him. I will not put him through what I put so many people through.

 

I do a lot of speaking about eating disorders, and as a result a lot of people contact me to talk about it. I sometimes avoid that for a reason I will tell you in a minute. A lot of athletes have come to me with active eating disorders thinking I can heal them or i will allow them to continue the behavior while I train them. I have actually stopped coaching them. I kick them off the team (more gently than that). I do it because I care. I take a very hard stance because I care. I piss people off about it because I care. I would rather risk a friendship, risk anything than to not confront the behavior.

 

With that being said, here is my advice to you..... this is going to sound harsh...... but I want it to..... because this is serious. this is your life we are talking about. and I am harsh because I care (not everyone responds well to me :-)

 

1. Eat. You have two beautiful sons. They need you. You are their mother. You need to take care of yourself to continue to be an amazing mother to them. If you don't eat you get sicker. If you get sicker you won't be able to be who you want to be for them. They love you. allow that to be the reason you take care of yourself.

 

2. Get help. This is not something you can do alone.

 

I know that sounds harsh, like I am scolding you, and like I don't care. I do care which is why I care enough to be harsh, to be direct, and to confront. I do not mess around with this kind of stuff. I do understand. I have been there. I also thought I wanted to die and when I almost did, when i was told that they performed CPR on me, that they definbrillated me, when I felt my chest so sore because they broke my breastbone doing it........ someone took the effort to bring me back. You better believe I planned on earning that chance I was given.

 

The piece I can add is the piece of hope.

 

There is life past this. But you have to believe that. you have to want that. you have to really want that. You have to find hope. That's the ticket out of this.

 

It is a process, life is not black and white. It's day by day. Things as they are right now won't be the same in one hour, one week, one month or one year. The best part of all of this Caroline is that you get to choose how this story gets written. You get to choose how the story of Caroline goes. no one else. YOU.

 

Again i apologize for that sounding harsh, I hope it takes hold. If this is something you are really struggling with, then you need to get help.... TODAY. And begin the process..... NOW. There are two boys who need that to happen.

 

They are your hope."

 

And when I went to therapy after seeing that picture, I told my psych nurse that I have accepted that I have a problem.  That I know I have an eating disorder.  But I told her that I don't understand, because I don't want to lose weight.  I'm not trying to be skinny.  I want to be healthy.  And what she told me was it wasn't about my size, or my weight as much as it was about control.  I have no control over anything in my life right now.  My future is up in the air.  The life I knew for 15 years is coming to and end.  And I can't do anything to stop it.  My son is growing up to be an independent teenager, my parents are moving away, and I don't know where I'm going to be living 6 months from now.  I can't control any of these things.  But the one thing I can control is food.  I can control my appetite.  I can make myself not be hungry.  And nobody else can make me eat if I don't want to. 

So, I'm working on it.  I know I have a problem.  I'm not better.  I'm trying REALLY hard to consume enough calories to not only maintain my weight, but to try and gain some while training for a half iron man.  And I'm logging every bite I take.  Seeing the number of calories is hard.  Scary.  Trying to make myself eat enough is not easy.  Watching the number rise in Training Peaks throughout the day makes me want to stop eating by lunch.  But, I know I must not do that.  I have to stop depriving my body of the fuel it needs to be strong.  I need to eat enough to be an Iron Mommy!

So, to all of you who I basically called crazy over the last few months, I apologize.  To everyone who was concerned, and tried to help thank you.  And to Mary, I may just owe you my life!

Fresh Start

Today I am officially starting over with my training.  I feel I have been neglecting that part of myself way too much.  I know I have to focus on getting better, but if I'm not training enough, and properly, I'm not ever going to be better.  So this week, I will hit every planned work out, and I will fuel myself to do those workouts sufficiently.  I will give a full report with my weeks stats next Sunday night, scouts honor.   This blog started out as a journal of my training to someday be an Iron Man, and that is what it is going to go back to.  I'm not going to let my set back sideline me from my goals.  Feel free to call me out if I slack, at all!

If You Get To The Cemetery, You've Gone Too Far

A couple of weeks ago, I had a very bad weekend.  I was in a very dark place.  I didn't get out of bed for two days.  I consumed nothing but coffee.  I did get up to shower.  But, not having my boys here, I couldn't think of a reason to get up.  And after letting myself go back to that place that landed me in the hospital, I was having a difficult time coming up with a reason to live.  Thankfully, the right person sent the right text at the right time and snapped me out of it.  I have two very important reasons to live.  My boys need me.  And I need them.

My counselor suggested I come up with a "safety plan" for when I come to this place again.  Part of that safety plan involves having a go to person.  Someone I can trust, and go to, who will understand what I need.  And know if I need to get help.  I have one friend in particular who came to mind.  I told her that I wanted to see her, that I have a favor to ask of her.  I've never been to her house and she was giving me directions.  At the very end she said, "If you get to the cemetery, you've gone to far."  This statement struck me as quite funny, based on the reason I was going to visit her.  I am basically asking her to keep me from going too far.  To keep me from ending up in the cemetery.

I haven't gone back to that place.  I am finding reasons to get out of bed when the boys are with their dad.  And I am finding things to look forward to.  I am going to be ok.  I have my safety plan, but I'm pretty sure that I won't need to use that plan.  But just in case, I've got my friend to keep me from going too far.

Bloggers Block

I've had a ton going on in my life these past couple of weeks.

Unfortunately I haven't had the desire to blog about any of it.

I've been swimming, and biking, and running, and SKIING!
 
I hit some very low lows.

I came to some realizations.
  
But I just didn't want to share. 

My boys and I went on a wonderful vacation last week. 

Tomorrow I will blog about our ski trip. 

Tonight, I will go to bed early, so I can wake up early and ride.