Watch Out It’s Messy In Here

 There are days that I am only still alive because of my dog.   She is super reactive, hates small children and other dogs, dislikes random people for no apparent reason, and barks all the time.  I haven’t slept through the night in years because of her, I can’t take her for walks as there are always dogs or kids out, and even my kids don’t like her.   I can’t die, because nobody else will take my dog if I do.  I can’t die because if I am gone, she will be put down most likely. I can’t die, because I have to live for her.   My kids don’t need me anymore.  In fact, it would financially benefit them both if I was no longer living.   My friends obviously do quite well without me around 99% of the time, and they would quickly get over that 1% they might miss me.  My job would definitely replace me before my obituary hit the paper (do they even print obituaries anymore?) I might dare to say there would be many who would be glad to hear of my passi...

A couple of weeks ago, I had a very bad weekend.  I was in a very dark place.  I didn't get out of bed for two days.  I consumed nothing but coffee.  I did get up to shower.  But, not having my boys here, I couldn't think of a reason to get up.  And after letting myself go back to that place that landed me in the hospital, I was having a difficult time coming up with a reason to live.  Thankfully, the right person sent the right text at the right time and snapped me out of it.  I have two very important reasons to live.  My boys need me.  And I need them. My counselor suggested I come up with a "safety plan" for when I come to this place again.  Part of that safety plan involves having a go to person.  Someone I can trust, and go to, who will understand what I need.  And know if I need to get help.  I have one friend in particular who came to mind.  I told her that I wanted to see her, that I have a favor to as...