Watch Out It’s Messy In Here

And I guess text message posts can't be very long!

ek. And 12 days til Iron Girl!

For those who may be worried, I'm still alive. Just have limited Internet access while staying at my parents house. Lots of updates to come later this we

Do you know what today is? I bet you have no idea. I do. It's new bike day! My bike will be coming today. It's being delivered to my parents house. They paid for it, and they are always home so someone can sign for it. I really want to ride it home. But all are telling me that my maiden voyage on Pepe (yes, I've named my bike already) shouldn't be that far. I mapped it, it's only 16 miles or so. I can go farther than that on the old clunker. But, then I would also have to convince the husband to drive me out to the parents. So, I guess I will take him for a little spin around the folks neighborhood. The bonus to that is it's very flat where they are, not hilly like it is here. Then I'll load that shiny new toy into the back of Ruby and bring him home. I've decided to do Iron Girl with the cage pedals. Get used to riding the new bike for the three weeks before switching to the clip in pedals. Those scare the crap out of me. Then, after Ir...

I have never lived alone. I went from living with my parents, to living with my boyfriend, who later became my husband. And when we moved in together, we already had a 2 month old baby boy. I also have never had to cook for myself on a regular basis. My mother did the cooking at home. I might turn the oven on, or boil the water for her, but she did the cooking, and meal planning. And my husband is the world's greatest cook, so he does the cooking, meal planning AND grocery shopping in our house. Now, I am faced with the reality of finding an apartment on my own. He will keep the house. I don't want it and can't afford it on my own. But, I'm going to have to cook! And meal plan! And go to Wegman's, every week! My poor kids. I can do turkey burgers on the grill, but I won't have a grill. Last night I had to cook pork chops, cause The Big One and husband were not home yet. I had no idea if they were done. I called him to ask, and his response was, y...

The bike is coming!! It has been ordered, and shipping confirmation has been received. I'll be on my new ride by Wednesday. Thanks Dad!!

I have lots of issues. I have had them for a long time, but try to keep them buried deep down. It's not a good thing, but it's the way I deal with things. This is the root of many of the problems in my life. The bad keeps trying to bubble up and I keep trying to push it back down. Well, the bubbles are not popping anymore. They are expanding to the point that there is no room for anything else. It's time to let them out and hope they might float away. I went to a counselor today. It's something I should have done many years ago. It was hard to do, but I know that if I am going to ever be successful at anything at all in my life, marriage, parenting, and even competing in triathlons, I need to fix the inside. No matter what kind of physical shape I am in, if my emotional shape is crappy, it won't be good enough. So, even though I didn't fix me today, I took the first step in trying to. That has to count for something, right?

I never got to see your face, I never got to give you a name, I never found out if you were a boy or a girl. I never got to meet you, but I will never forget you. How could someone who was never even born have changed my life so much? Someone who never got to take a breath be missed and grieved for so deeply? It's been four years since I failed as a mother. My one job was to keep you safe, and help you grow for nine months, but after nine short weeks I failed you. My body couldn't do the one task that a woman is designed for. Four years ago today, I lost my baby. And I have a huge gaping hole inside of me still. I think that is one of the reasons I started running. To try and run away from the pain. It's not working. It still hurts.

With 70.3 out of the picture for this year, I decided to set a new, attainable goal for myself. I would like to run at least 100 miles for the month of July. I think that would be a great accomplishment for me considering the circumstances. I'm well on my way to meeting that goal two days into the month. Yesterday I ran 5.6 miles, and today I ran 4 miles. 9.6 down, 90.4 to go. That's only three miles a day. I can do this! I still have to get some swims and bikes in as well, since Aflac Iron Girl is only 36 days away (yikes!). Now that I've had to quit the Y to save money, the swimming is going to be a little harder, but I did ok on last year's swim with very little swim training. And I'm still on the mtn bike, so my bike training is not great, but my legs will be so strong, I'm gonna fly if I ever get on a road bike! Anyway, that's is the latest. Real post to come tomorrow.

It's looking like Iron Girl will be my only tri this year. My husband and I have reached a fork in the road of our marriage, and it appears we may be taking different paths on this road. Because of this, I don't feel I can properly train for 70.3, and affording it is yet another issue. Since I have already registered for Iron Girl, and have completed this race once before, I feel that I can still do it. My training might not be great because of scheduling issues, but I am hoping to at least beat last years time. So, I will be cheering on all of my fellow triathletes, and maybe I will sign up to volunteer at the rest of the races I had planned on doing so I can still be a part of this awesome sport.