Watch Out It’s Messy In Here

Yesterday Sucked.  Plain and simple.  It was an emotionally draining day, that left me feeling empty.  It was the anniversary of the suicide of my sister-in-law's sister.  I went to the memorial mass during my lunch break, to show her my support.  Sitting in the pew behind them, watching her mother shake, crying, still devastated by the heartache of losing her daughter three years ago.  Seeing her father, and the broken man he has become.  And my SIL, who still asks why.  Who blames herself.  Who wishes she could go be with her sister, because she is so lost with out her.  The reason this was so difficult for me this year was because I almost caused this pain to my parents and my sister.  I almost broke the hearts of two little boys.  I was so close to committing the most selfish act humanly possible.  Sitting there, I was over come with guilt, knowing that those three broken souls in front of me could have been my mom, and dad, and sister.  By the time I got home from work, and r

I have never taken an ice bath I don't own any real tri clothing I don't even own bike shorts I still use regular pedals with my running sneakers I let the snooze button win more often than not I've never puked while training I've never blown a snot rocket I've never "bonked" I don't feel like a real triathlete yet.  I feel like an intruder, an invader among actual triathletes.  Like I don't quite belong in this world yet.  I want to be here, but I haven't quite earned my place yet.  I really want to sign up for Rev3 Quassy, and just go for it.  I don't really have the money, and haven't been training for an Olympic distance triathlon to be the first tri of the season.  But, if I were a real triathlete, wouldn't I figure out a way to make it happen?  To be at the starting line, and to cross the finish line? I'm trying to find my "why". Why do I want to continue competing in this world I don't belong?

I sent a letter to Santa via my blog many months ago, and thankfully he reads my blog and hooked me up with a couple of things from my list. So I'm hoping the Easter Bunny reads my blog and hooks me up too! Dear Easter Bunny, I do not expect all of the things on my list. In fact, I am pretty sure a bunny couldn't deliver most of them. But just in case you were wondering what to put in my basket this year, here is my wish list. Magic Bullet Aero bar bike shoes and clips Tri shorts Tri tops Running shoes Garmin Bike rack Treadmill Race entry fees for 2011 Skinnyman & Syracuse 70.3 Thanks Easter Bunny Much Love, Wanna Be Iron Mommy EDIT: P.S. I fell in love with the Specialized Ruby in white/turquoise at the Bike Loft yesterday. If you would like to either put the 20% down for the layaway, or just buy her for me, that would be awesome as well.

I feel like I'm living the game Angry Birds.  There has been a Robin attacking my kitchen window since Tuesday.  The Big One shot at it with an air soft gun on Day 1.  He missed, scared Robin away for a little bit, but he came back shortly after.  I then suggested he let the cat out (same cat who is scared of hamsters in plastic balls, but the bird doesn't need to know that).  Mr Angry Bird just sat on the fence, glaring at the cat until he came back in, and went back at it.  Day 2 he started up at 6 am.  I tried hanging fake hawk shadows in the window.  He laughed at my efforts, and was still going strong when I went to bed at 9.  Day 3 he decided that one window wasn't enough, and went after the bathroom window as well.  I recorded him, standing right in the kitchen window, and he didn't care that I was standing right there.  Day 4 The Big One shot at him with his BB gun, and again missed (as I knew he would) and Bubba and I went to go buy a big scary plastic owl.  To

EDIT:  Many people have been telling me they can't comment.  Which makes me feel better since so many posts are going comment-less.  I've been feeling unloved.  I messed around a little.  Hoping it helps.  Let me know if it didn't by shooting me an email!   I hate change.  New things, experiences, people make me nervous.  I would consider myself OCD if I wasn't such a slob.  I want things to just stay the same forever!  When we sold my grandparents house, my sister and I got most of my grandmother's kitchen stuff.  Whenever I make French Toast (one of my specialties) I make it in my grandma's griddle.  I have had it for almost 15 years.  Lord only knows how long she had it.  It's ancient.  My parents gave us a new, nicer, bigger, griddle.  I never use it.  It would probably work better.  Most likely more energy efficient.  But, I always grab grandma's. Old habits die hard.  It takes 21 days to break a bad habit.  Today the ex and I got into it.  Bad

I have been thin basically my entire life, with the exception of my pregnancies and the year after having Bubba.  It's mostly genetics.  I honestly don't think I will/could ever be "fat".  Something that has always bugged me about being a "skinny" person are the comments.  Others feel it's fine to comment on my size. Why is it okay for someone to say to me: You're too skinny. Yet, I could never say back to them: You're too fat. Why is it okay for someone to say to me: You're so skinny, I can count your ribs. Yet, I could never say back to them: You're so fat, I can count your rolls. Why is it okay for someone to say to me: You're a twig.  Yet, I could never say back to them: You're a whale. Why is it okay for someone to say to me: You're deathly thin.  Yet, I could never say back to them: You're morbidly obese. Why is it okay for someone to say to me: You should really eat more.  Yet, I could never say back

A friend of mine who is unable to celebrate St. Patty's this year asked me to have a green beer for them.  Since I absolutely, positively, can not stand beer, and the thought of drinking a green beer makes me want to vomit, I opted to celebrate by treating myself and my boys to a Shamrock Shake after The Big One's indoor soccer practice.  (and I may or may not have gotten myself a large fry with my shake...) So to those who suggested it, thanks for the idea! Good nutrition starts over tomorrow.

It's amazing how someone can know you better than you know yourself.  I have known Missy for a really long time.  I won't say how long exactly, cause then it would give away our true ages, and we are both under the belief that we are forever 25.  But, I can say that I met her when I was in 9th grade.  We lost touch for several years, but thanks to Facebook, are friends again.  It's her fault I am a triathlete.  I will never be the athlete that Missy is, but she is one of my inspirations.  Not just in triathlon, but in life.  We used to train together, but I just can't keep up with her anymore!  I hope to some day catch up to her.  After reading yesterday's post Missy knew all to well that I was about to go overboard.  That I was going to go from one extreme to the other.  This is the message that was in my inbox waiting from her this morning: I know it sucks and some days are just sucky. While your boys are incredible inspirations for you to remain healthy,

First, before I get into the real post, I want to say OUCH!  I jumped into this sticking to my training thing with both feet, and ran outside, for the first time in months, last night, and then did a ride on the trainer.  My legs are feeling it today.  I will still hit tonight's planned trainer ride as well, after the Little League board meeting, so it's going to be late, and I will be tired, but I will still do it.  I promised you all, and more importantly, myself that I was going to do it.  So I will. After the third new medical professional brought up that maybe it was possible I might have an eating disorder, I started to think it might be true.  But, I was still skeptical.  I am not trying to lose weight.  I don't starve myself.  I don't make myself throw up.  In fact, I don't LET myself throw up.  I've always been thin.  I have a high metabolism.  Anyway, just in case these crazy people were on to something, I sent an email to the eating disorder expert

Today I am officially starting over with my training.  I feel I have been neglecting that part of myself way too much.  I know I have to focus on getting better, but if I'm not training enough, and properly, I'm not ever going to be better.  So this week, I will hit every planned work out, and I will fuel myself to do those workouts sufficiently.  I will give a full report with my weeks stats next Sunday night, scouts honor.   This blog started out as a journal of my training to someday be an Iron Man, and that is what it is going to go back to.  I'm not going to let my set back sideline me from my goals.  Feel free to call me out if I slack, at all!

A couple of weeks ago, I had a very bad weekend.  I was in a very dark place.  I didn't get out of bed for two days.  I consumed nothing but coffee.  I did get up to shower.  But, not having my boys here, I couldn't think of a reason to get up.  And after letting myself go back to that place that landed me in the hospital, I was having a difficult time coming up with a reason to live.  Thankfully, the right person sent the right text at the right time and snapped me out of it.  I have two very important reasons to live.  My boys need me.  And I need them. My counselor suggested I come up with a "safety plan" for when I come to this place again.  Part of that safety plan involves having a go to person.  Someone I can trust, and go to, who will understand what I need.  And know if I need to get help.  I have one friend in particular who came to mind.  I told her that I wanted to see her, that I have a favor to ask of her.  I've never been to her house and she was

I've had a ton going on in my life these past couple of weeks. Unfortunately I haven't had the desire to blog about any of it. I've been swimming, and biking, and running, and SKIING!   I hit some very low lows. I came to some realizations.    But I just didn't want to share.  My boys and I went on a wonderful vacation last week.  Tomorrow I will blog about our ski trip.  Tonight, I will go to bed early, so I can wake up early and ride.