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Today Sucks

Today is our 13th wedding anniversary.  Tomorrow is the 1 year anniversary of me finding out about the other woman, and two days after that is when we agreed to end the marriage.  This weekend I'm moving out of my house.  Basically the week sucks.  Then throw in the anniversary of my miscarriage fourth of July weekend, and I may as well put myself back in the psych ward for the next 3 weeks. 
Yesterday I spent the day mourning what had been my life.  The boys went with their dad for father's day, and I lay in bed sobbing and crying and wishing it would all go away.  I remembered all of the awesome fun times we had as a family.  I thought about our wedding day, the days the boys were born.  The fun times we had together.  Tonight they will be with him too.  I'm going to go for a long ride and run, and then come home and probably cry just a little more.  Then, tomorrow, I will move on.  I will pick up the pieces and stop blaming myself, stop analyzing what I could have, should have, might have done differently.  I don't really miss him, but I miss being in love.  Or at least thinking I was in love.  I miss having someone to hug when I'm hurting inside.  I miss knowing that someone cares.  I miss the stability of being in a relationship.  I miss being able to sit at the table with my children for dinner every night.  I miss the future I thought I was going to have. 
We hadn't been happy for a long time.  We tried to be. We pretended to be.  But we both knew something was missing.
I don't blame him.  I don't hate him.  I just hate the reality of the situation.  I wish I had someone to lean on, and I don't.  I wish I could just turn off the hurt, and the pain, and the disappointment.  But I can't right now. So Today I will wallow in self pity.  And tomorrow, I will be move on.
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Comments

Eric Hutchins said…
You will heal. You will become stronger, you will find someone to share your life with that cares more about you than they care about themselves. Pamela and I found each other later in life. Both of after having "failed" in our first marriages. I believe with all my heart that she is the one person for me. I know that may sound crazy but its something I know like I know the sun will come up tomorrow.
What I learned from the pain and mistakes of my past is to cherish her and our relationship. And to make each day count.
AND, I got 3 wonderful children who exist because of that earlier part of my life so there was a purpose and it was not wasted.

I believe that there is someone out there for you too. You just have to open yourself up enough, make yourself available, to feel it.
June 20, 2011 at 11:02 AM
Wendy said…
i so echo eric's comment - every word of it. (well, except that i only have 2 wonderful children lol)

i have been there myself hun and with very little baby steps, moving forward 2 steps, back 1 and a lot of feeling of stuff i didn't like i'm a bit better all the time.

connect with me and let me know if you need anything ever -- and eric and pamela are the most awesome-est people to show that second miracles are possible.

xxo
June 20, 2011 at 11:49 AM
Anonymous said…
<3 you girl. You are going to come out of this stronger, happier, BETTER than ever. Just keep taking care of yourself and those precious boys and moving forward.
Laura "lefty123"
June 20, 2011 at 5:10 PM
Jenn said…
The mere fact that you can be so in touch with your feelings, is a testiment to how strong you have already grown in the past year. You will find that special someone, I can almost guarantee it. People like you, they don't stay single very long, just make sure you are picky in who you give your love to. Not everyone deserves it ;) And one day you will look back & call what you had, not a failed marriage, but the Practice Marriage. You practiced, and learned, and grew, and one day you will be head over heels in love again. For now, try to make peace with the gift of being alone, it can be really hard, but it's a gift that if you can learn to appreciate it, it can serve you well. Hugs my friend, you're doing great :)
June 20, 2011 at 6:15 PM
3munchkins said…
Feel better knowing that you tried and you're doing what you need to do to move on. Anniversary dates are always going to be hard, you are human, it's normal, part of healing. You're doing great, you're inspiring me to get out and be active. Going through what you're going through, almost to the exactly; other woman, 13rs of marriage, 17yrs together, 3 kids, miscarriage. You're not alone. Things will get better and this will make you stronger. It's made me a much stronger person, have done things that I would have never tried before and I would haven't had it been for "life" happening. And I'm sure you're doing the same! You are an "IRON MOMMY!" Keep up the good work girl and keep writing!
June 20, 2011 at 6:24 PM
Jeannie said…
That is a lot to go through. It's ok to feel this way. You need to mourn and acknowledge your feelings to heel. I can't imagine what it would be like to not have the love of my life with me and I admit I don't want to. But I do know what it is like to have lost a child as I lost a baby girl over 3 yrs ago at 22 weeks along. I'm sorry you are going through this and all at once. I love my long runs and bike for just that reason. Gives me a chance to work out my thoughts and frustrations. HUGS!
June 20, 2011 at 6:41 PM
Pamela (@pameloth) said…
My husband Eric (@trimon29) has been telling me about you, and he directed me out to this blog. Oh man, I can so relate to all your feelings. The pain of losing a dream, a certainty, a stability, a hope, of "failing," it's awful. But having come through to the other side, I wouldn't trade it. It was like forging myself in iron (and I also want to be an iron mommy). And the me I became was capable of so much more. More love, more giving, more endurance, everything! Hang in there. Tough times do not last. Keep your heart open. You will look back on this time, I predict, as the most important growth period of your life. Reject bitter, embrace peace. Claim joy.
June 21, 2011 at 1:54 PM
Anonymous said…
Sister, Ihave been through some bad times in my life... it's like walking through a fire. It hurts, it gets really bad, but once you get to the other side you look back, somehow become grateful for the experience and realize how it contributes to who you are now.
June 21, 2011 at 6:26 PM
Jason said…
You are not alone in this world and there are people to lean on and to help. This post alone and all the comments prove that.

I had a 'failed' marriage and wound up finding the love of my life through all that pain and I wouldn't trade it for the world.

I found out about myself as well as what love really is and what it means.

As you say you will get through today and move on tomorrow. Best advice anybody else could have given you.
June 22, 2011 at 6:00 PM
Wanna Be Iron Mommy said…
Thank you everyone for your kind words. It's just been a very trying time in my life, when all I really want is for some tri-ing time! (sorry, had to do it).

I know it will get better. I know God doesn't give you more than you can handle. I know I have a great support system, and awesome people who love and care for me.

But sometimes, I just want to lay in bed and feel sorry for myself anyway.

Honestly, the number of hits on this post, and comments on this post has lifted my spirits greatly.

Thanks to all who have read, and ever bigger thanks to the commenters!
June 24, 2011 at 9:29 PM
Adventures as a Small Town Mom said…
Wow. I don't even know what to say to try to comfort you.

Do you have a good friend in town that you can spend time with?
June 25, 2011 at 2:19 PM
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