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Finishing is Winning?

This past weekend I "ran" my first marathon.  I put ran in quotes because with my official finish time, I don't feel as if I was running very much.  5:31:45.  An hour over my goal time of 4.5 hours.  To say I am disappointed in myself is an understatement.  I am almost ashamed of my results.  I know to some that may sound like I'm looking for sympathy, or to others it may sound absurd.  But, it's the truth.  I set out to do something, and I feel as if I did not accomplish it.  As if I've failed.   So, below is my race report on the 2011 Philadelphia Marathon, in an effort to put it behind me and move on.

Both of my boys wanted to go to the marathon.  And I wanted both of them there.  So, my wonderful friend Erin agreed to come along for the ride and keep an eye on them during the race.  Saturday morning we packed up Ruby the Rav4 and headed out for the trip.  We made it down there with very little difficulty, considering my limited city driving experience.  After we found our hotel and were pointed in the direction of the parking garage by the valet (I'm not paying you $15 to drive my car across the street, thank you very much) we decided to head to the expo before checking in.   I had already planned on spending some cash at the expo, because I had discovered while packing that I do not have any running gear cool enough to wear for a marathon!  After getting my bib, and bag full of goodies, we started exploring.  My first purchase was the 26.2 sticker for the back of my car.  And then we set out to find me something to wear.  I settled on my first ever running skirt, and a bright orange t-shirt that said "Twenty Six Point Freaking Two"  and the back said "Because 26.3 Would Be Crazy".  I also bought a SPIBelt for the many gels that I was going to require to survive the marathon.  Once we were done exploring the expo (or listening to Bubba whine that he was done), we went to check into the hotel.   The room was awesome.  Huge doesn't begin to describe it.    Wish we had more time to just hang out and enjoy it.  After a little nap, we had dinner at the Hard Rock Cafe, let Bubba swim in the hotel pool, and then headed to the room for an early bed time.  I laid out all of my stuff for the morning, and set three alarms, to ensure I got up in time.

I got up with the third alarm at 5:30, after effectively annoying, and awakening my three room mates.  I forced down a banana and a bagel with Nutela, and got ready.  The Big One picked on me for putting on make up, but as a 15 year old boy he just doesn't get it.  Once I was ready, and posed for a couple of pictures, I set out for my 1.7 mile walk to the race start.  Fortunately, a friend of mine was running the half, and we were both in the same start wave.  We made arrangements to meet at the start which we successfully accomplished, but despite our best efforts or children and their care givers never did meet up while we ran.  She had anticipated not being able to run all 13.1 miles, but we were going to try to run together for at least the first five.  Coach Kristin had instructed me to run 11 min miles for at least the first half, which fit right into Debb's anticipated pace.  So when we finally made it to the start, almost 30 minutes after the elites, we were off. 

I must say the first half was great.  Debb was a great pace setter for me, and we pretty much stuck to the 11 min miles.  We stopped at every water stop, and I took my gels as scheduled, every 45 mins or so, depending on the aid stations.  I did have to make one quick stop at the port a john as I am just not quite ready to pee while running.  Debb grew up in Philly, so besides being a great running companion, she was also a good tour guide.  The best sites were at miles 1, 6, and 13 when I saw Erin and the Boys cheering me on.  There were also some creative signs from some of the spectators.   The first half flew by, and we were soon forced to separate.  Right after we split from each other, I saw my three biggest fans, and ran over to hug and kiss my babies.  According to Active.com, my first half was 2:29:24.  Not too bad.  If I picked up the pace, the 4:30 might be possible, and 4:45 was very doable. 

I knew mile 14 was my first big obstacle.  That was where I hit the wall with every long training run.  So when I passed it, I texted KW to tell her.  She called to see how I was doing.  (Yes, I had my phone on me...)  She ended the call with, you are almost to mile 16, then it's just a flat, easy 10 mile run.   I felt good.  Got a kick out of the anti-chafing/lube station shortly after that point where they were literally passing out some sort of white goop to people.  One man apologized to me as he ran beside me rubbing it on his nipples.  I continued to feel ok, and thought I just might make it without having to walk.  And then I hit mile 18.  This is when my ITBS, which had tried to end my running career last year, and again three weeks pre-marathon, decided it was time to act up.  It was all down hill from there.  At mile 20 I sent a text to KW letting her know I quit.  Which she promptly replied to with a message about all the people who supported me, and two very special boys who were proud of me.  So I carried on.  And several of my friends who had signed up for the text updates sent me messages of support.  Also got one from Debb letting me know she was waiting for me at the finish.

At mile 23 I sent KW a text saying I only had a 5k left and that I could do it.  Her response was to run the last three miles for me.  And I tried.  But it was more of a walk than a run.  I just had nothing left.  My knee hurt, and I was tired.  And hungry.  And wanted to be done with this damn race.  Then, I got close to the finish, and Erin and the boys were waiting to run me in.  I got to cross the finish line holding each of my boys hands.  Then I was greeted by Debb and a great big hug.  Oh, and a medal, I may have gotten a medal.

So, I did it.  I finished a marathon.  But that feeling I was told I would get,  the "this is a momentous occasion, angels singing, oh my goodness I did it" feeling never came.  I just wanted to change, eat, and go home.   And there were a few other untruths told to me.  The second half is not flat.  There are hills.  And that phrase on the t-shirt, and medal "The Best Time of Your Life" was also a crock of shit.  

I am not happy with the race.  I am not proud.  Many don't get it.  But Kristin does.  That's why she is my coach.  But more importantly, it's why she is my friend.  Her response today when I admitted I'm not proud at all:  "That's what makes you an athlete.  The hunger to do better.  Now we have a benchmark, lets pick another and lay out a new plan."  So that is what we are going to do.  Pick another marathon, and go kick some ass.  After I fix my knee.  Maybe then I can believe what my Road Id says "Finishing is Winning". 

Comments

Unknown said…
GREAT report Caroline!! You did it! Yes, Kristin is right! If you didn't like it, try, try again! You are a marathoner..remember now you know the feeling of running 26.2.

Kristin
Molly said…
My first marathon experience was a disappointment as well, but I took what I learned from it and improved in every way in my second marathon.
Keep at it! As my husband reminds me, you're going faster than that 95% sitting at home on the couch.
Just wanted to stop in and say hi and congratulations, Caroline!!! Hope you have a great holiday season. Thanks for all of your support over the past year! keep in touch.
Jamie
www.runningdivamom.com
Ara said…
I totally understand how you feel. I felt like that after my first Olympic distance triathlon. I know it's easier said than done, but you have to analyze the race and like your coach said, sign up for another one (after your knee gets better) and set out a different plan. You're awesome!
TriGirl said…
That was such a great recap! I don't think you have to apologize for being disappointed. You had a goal in mind and you did not meet it the way you wanted to. I've been there (not finishing a race). It totally sucks but it puts the fire in your belly to go out and crush it the next time!

P.S. I am dying to do a marathon.

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