If You Get To The Cemetery, You've Gone Too Far

A couple of weeks ago, I had a very bad weekend.  I was in a very dark place.  I didn't get out of bed for two days.  I consumed nothing but coffee.  I did get up to shower.  But, not having my boys here, I couldn't think of a reason to get up.  And after letting myself go back to that place that landed me in the hospital, I was having a difficult time coming up with a reason to live.  Thankfully, the right person sent the right text at the right time and snapped me out of it.  I have two very important reasons to live.  My boys need me.  And I need them.

My counselor suggested I come up with a "safety plan" for when I come to this place again.  Part of that safety plan involves having a go to person.  Someone I can trust, and go to, who will understand what I need.  And know if I need to get help.  I have one friend in particular who came to mind.  I told her that I wanted to see her, that I have a favor to ask of her.  I've never been to her house and she was giving me directions.  At the very end she said, "If you get to the cemetery, you've gone to far."  This statement struck me as quite funny, based on the reason I was going to visit her.  I am basically asking her to keep me from going too far.  To keep me from ending up in the cemetery.

I haven't gone back to that place.  I am finding reasons to get out of bed when the boys are with their dad.  And I am finding things to look forward to.  I am going to be ok.  I have my safety plan, but I'm pretty sure that I won't need to use that plan.  But just in case, I've got my friend to keep me from going too far.