Recently my boys and I spent a Sunday afternoon at my parents house. We used to do this on many a Sunday before their dad moved out. To give him alone time, so he could watch football in peace. Now, I prefer to hang out at home. I've become quite anti social, and withdrawn. But, I missed my parents, and decided to just stop over on this particular Sunday. We then got invited for dinner, which is a huge bonus since I am still getting used to this whole cooking every night thing. And my mom is a really good cook.
While eating dinner the topic of all of the addicts, and not so sane people on both sides of my family came up. And particularly the topic of my mother's twin brother, who died when I was only five, was being discussed. My mom was very protective of her brother. Although they were the same age, she was more like the big sister than twin sister to my Uncle. He was an alcoholic. And at one point spent some time in rehab. Apparently when he went into rehab, he had to fill out a questionnaire, or form of some sort. One of the questions on the form was asking if he had ever considered suicide. And his answer had been yes. This answer shocked my mother. And decades later, even speaking this answer made my mother tear up. My mom could not believe that her brother would have considered taking his own life. And this fact still upsets her when she thinks about it.
That conversation has been on my mind ever since. Her being so upset by the fact that he answered yes to that question surprises me. I guess it's because it's something I have thought about before. In fact, it's a thought that I have had often. I have even planned how, where. It has sometimes been a thought that comforted me. Too the point where I have been terrified that I may do it, and reached out to a good friend for help. But I thought this was not unusual. I thought most people had the thought at least cross their mind on occasion. But my mom's reaction tells me that it's not normal. It's not ok to think this way.
And usually, when I get so down, I lace up my sneaks and go for a run. But with my knee, I can't do that. I can't clear my head. I can't run away from the evil that is trying to seep into my brain. I need to run again. I need my knee to get better so that my thoughts can get better.
While eating dinner the topic of all of the addicts, and not so sane people on both sides of my family came up. And particularly the topic of my mother's twin brother, who died when I was only five, was being discussed. My mom was very protective of her brother. Although they were the same age, she was more like the big sister than twin sister to my Uncle. He was an alcoholic. And at one point spent some time in rehab. Apparently when he went into rehab, he had to fill out a questionnaire, or form of some sort. One of the questions on the form was asking if he had ever considered suicide. And his answer had been yes. This answer shocked my mother. And decades later, even speaking this answer made my mother tear up. My mom could not believe that her brother would have considered taking his own life. And this fact still upsets her when she thinks about it.
That conversation has been on my mind ever since. Her being so upset by the fact that he answered yes to that question surprises me. I guess it's because it's something I have thought about before. In fact, it's a thought that I have had often. I have even planned how, where. It has sometimes been a thought that comforted me. Too the point where I have been terrified that I may do it, and reached out to a good friend for help. But I thought this was not unusual. I thought most people had the thought at least cross their mind on occasion. But my mom's reaction tells me that it's not normal. It's not ok to think this way.
And usually, when I get so down, I lace up my sneaks and go for a run. But with my knee, I can't do that. I can't clear my head. I can't run away from the evil that is trying to seep into my brain. I need to run again. I need my knee to get better so that my thoughts can get better.
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