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I AM OK

The last few days I have been in a not so great place.  I had friends suggesting I call the suicide prevention hotline.  I didn't eat for several days.  Things got ugly between soon to be ex and I.  Add to that many feet of snow falling at once, and I'm a wreck.  This morning was horrible.  The waist high snow bank at the foot of my driveway, the no longer present husband to help dig me out, and the impossible driving conditions once my neighbors rescued Ruby from the mounds of snow.  I got stuck going up the street to my sitters, stuck in her driveway, and almost pulled over and gave up on the way to work several times.  I was litterally in tears by the time I pulled into the unplowed parking lot at work.  The feeling in my chest that has been present since Friday afternoon was slowly taking me over.  I was going to snap.
Then, I sat at my desk, and was trying to figure out who to call.  Who to tell that I might not be ok.  That maybe I should go away for a little while.  And it hit me.  I AM OK!  I can do this.  I don't need him.  My identity does not to be tethered to this man.  Yes, we've been together more than half my life.  Yes I love him.  Yes I miss him.   But, No, I don't need him.  I will survive.  In fact, I will do better than survive.  I will excel.  I will now become everything I couldn't become with him holding me back.  I will be the best possible mother to the only two people who truly matter to me in this world.  I will discover who I was meant to be.  And then, maybe I will find "Mr. Right."  But, if I don't, it's ok.  I might be alone, but I will never be lonely. 
So, to those who were worried, you can stop.  I have made the decision to be alright. 

Now if only it would stop snowing...

Comments

Unknown said…
Hang in there! YES YES you can!!! And you will. I agree... winter can buzz off already! ha ha I'm sorry you are having a rough time.... makes the sunshiny moments seem that much shinier though!
December 9, 2010 at 8:20 AM
Anonymous said…
You are definitley okay. Look at the wonderful mother these kids get to look up to. One who picks herslef up by the bootstraps and gets it done. Damn well done girl.
December 9, 2010 at 2:52 PM
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