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I Resolve

I never used to make New Year's Resolutions.  I found them silly.  A waste of time, since few people ever stuck to them.  Then, in 2009 I made a two part resolution.  Part one was to put myself first, to make 2009 the year of Caroline.  Part 2 was to run a 5k by years end.  The two relied on each other.  I needed to make time for myself in order to start running.  And having a goal made sure that I was actually doing something for me for a change.  My boys had always come first.  As did my husband.  I never made plans for myself without first making sure that everyone else was taken care of.  If the husband wanted to go out, I would just stay home.  If there was a birthday party to go to, I would make sure they got to the party.  New clothes, kids come first, I can wear whatever fits.  You get the point.  I needed to start worrying about my own happiness as much as everyone else's.  I needed to remember that I mattered too.

That resolution changed my life.  In both good and bad ways.  It is the reason my marriage ended.  By putting myself first, I put my marriage second.   It made him question my love for him. It caused an unrepairable rift in our relationship.  But, it also caused me to find triathlon.  Had I not been training to run a 5k, I would have never considered signing up for Iron Girl.  I would not have made positive changes in my lifestyle, to make myself happy and healthy.  Do I regret the resolution?  The verdict is still out on that one.

2010 I didn't make a resolution.  I set goals, but none of them were accomplished due to my life falling apart.  I did get to do Iron Girl.  And I did complete it in a faster time than the year before, but not as fast as I would have liked.  I think 2010 goes down in the record books as the worst year of my life, and I am going to be glad to see it end.  So, do I make a resolution for 2011?  Or do I just set some goals, and hope for a better outcome than last year?

I am going to make a resolution.  I resolve to be the best possible mother to my boys.  And in order to do that, I must start taking better care of myself.  All three of us need to eat better.  We need to incorporate more fruits and vegetables into our diet.  We need to eat healthier snacks.  And we need to spend less time "plugged in".  Cell phones, TV, internet, video games.  Those need to stop being such a priority in our lives.  

I also resolve to make peace with my past.  I can't change what I've done to end up in this place.  I can't focus on the what ifs and shouldas So I need to accept the fact that this is my reality, and make the best of it.  Focus on the future.  And all three of us need to get some counseling.  If I can't get a grip on the separation emotionally, how are two little boys who have no idea what their future may hold either be able to?

2011 is going to be the year of acceptance and change.   Only good things can come of both, right?

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