It's all about Control

First, before I get into the real post, I want to say OUCH!  I jumped into this sticking to my training thing with both feet, and ran outside, for the first time in months, last night, and then did a ride on the trainer.  My legs are feeling it today.  I will still hit tonight's planned trainer ride as well, after the Little League board meeting, so it's going to be late, and I will be tired, but I will still do it.  I promised you all, and more importantly, myself that I was going to do it.  So I will.


After the third new medical professional brought up that maybe it was possible I might have an eating disorder, I started to think it might be true.  But, I was still skeptical.  I am not trying to lose weight.  I don't starve myself.  I don't make myself throw up.  In fact, I don't LET myself throw up.  I've always been thin.  I have a high metabolism.  Anyway, just in case these crazy people were on to something, I sent an email to the eating disorder expert Mary Eggers, and asked if she thought it was really possible.  I anticipated her answer to be no.  That I was just depressed, and the weight loss and not eating was because of that.  Well, she didn't answer that way.  She too was on board with the growing number of people who were under the belief that I had a problem.  Her first response to my question was "You know, as I was reading your blog, and you wrote about not eating, the thought crossed my mind a few times".

I still didn't want to believe it.  I didn't not eat on purpose.  I just can't eat when I get upset.  So what.  It's better than binge overeating, right?  I was going to bring it up in my next therapy session, but I had a ski trip to take my boys on.  I would worry about me when we got back.  While we were on that trip, I started to see what others saw.  The bathroom I was using to shower and get ready in had a much bigger mirror than my bathroom.  And seeing myself with no clothes on, in the mirror, I thought I might be just a tad too thin.  But, I still wasn't 100% on board with the diagnosis. 

I brought it up in therapy, and my psych nurse and I decided I would keep a food journal.  So I could see how much, or as the case usually was, how little I was eating every day.  I was leaning more and more toward the possibility that everyone else was right.  And that I could, in fact, be wrong for once (a very rare occurrence, I assure you!)  Then, the next day my coworker and I were dying my hair.  We decided to take a before and after picture.  And when she showed me the first picture she took, I knew it was all true. 

I have always been thin.  But this is not thin.  This is skeletal.  The fact that I've had to go buy all new bras because mine are way too big, and that I can buy them in the little girls section isn't right.  The fact that I can go days without eating, and not be hungry, is not normal.  I need to fix this.  I need to get this under control.  I need to EAT!

The second time Mary emailed me regarding my eating disorder, she wasn't as nice as the first response.  But I know she did it because she cares.  Because it needed to be done.  And I now have that email printed out and hanging on my bedroom mirror.  And here is just a portion of the email that probably saved my life:

"I have been recovered for 17 years, I have had my struggles, we all do and we all will. The one thing that keeps me from ever diving back into that behavior is my son. I will not do that to him. I will not put him through what I put so many people through.

 

I do a lot of speaking about eating disorders, and as a result a lot of people contact me to talk about it. I sometimes avoid that for a reason I will tell you in a minute. A lot of athletes have come to me with active eating disorders thinking I can heal them or i will allow them to continue the behavior while I train them. I have actually stopped coaching them. I kick them off the team (more gently than that). I do it because I care. I take a very hard stance because I care. I piss people off about it because I care. I would rather risk a friendship, risk anything than to not confront the behavior.

 

With that being said, here is my advice to you..... this is going to sound harsh...... but I want it to..... because this is serious. this is your life we are talking about. and I am harsh because I care (not everyone responds well to me :-)

 

1. Eat. You have two beautiful sons. They need you. You are their mother. You need to take care of yourself to continue to be an amazing mother to them. If you don't eat you get sicker. If you get sicker you won't be able to be who you want to be for them. They love you. allow that to be the reason you take care of yourself.

 

2. Get help. This is not something you can do alone.

 

I know that sounds harsh, like I am scolding you, and like I don't care. I do care which is why I care enough to be harsh, to be direct, and to confront. I do not mess around with this kind of stuff. I do understand. I have been there. I also thought I wanted to die and when I almost did, when i was told that they performed CPR on me, that they definbrillated me, when I felt my chest so sore because they broke my breastbone doing it........ someone took the effort to bring me back. You better believe I planned on earning that chance I was given.

 

The piece I can add is the piece of hope.

 

There is life past this. But you have to believe that. you have to want that. you have to really want that. You have to find hope. That's the ticket out of this.

 

It is a process, life is not black and white. It's day by day. Things as they are right now won't be the same in one hour, one week, one month or one year. The best part of all of this Caroline is that you get to choose how this story gets written. You get to choose how the story of Caroline goes. no one else. YOU.

 

Again i apologize for that sounding harsh, I hope it takes hold. If this is something you are really struggling with, then you need to get help.... TODAY. And begin the process..... NOW. There are two boys who need that to happen.

 

They are your hope."

 

And when I went to therapy after seeing that picture, I told my psych nurse that I have accepted that I have a problem.  That I know I have an eating disorder.  But I told her that I don't understand, because I don't want to lose weight.  I'm not trying to be skinny.  I want to be healthy.  And what she told me was it wasn't about my size, or my weight as much as it was about control.  I have no control over anything in my life right now.  My future is up in the air.  The life I knew for 15 years is coming to and end.  And I can't do anything to stop it.  My son is growing up to be an independent teenager, my parents are moving away, and I don't know where I'm going to be living 6 months from now.  I can't control any of these things.  But the one thing I can control is food.  I can control my appetite.  I can make myself not be hungry.  And nobody else can make me eat if I don't want to. 

So, I'm working on it.  I know I have a problem.  I'm not better.  I'm trying REALLY hard to consume enough calories to not only maintain my weight, but to try and gain some while training for a half iron man.  And I'm logging every bite I take.  Seeing the number of calories is hard.  Scary.  Trying to make myself eat enough is not easy.  Watching the number rise in Training Peaks throughout the day makes me want to stop eating by lunch.  But, I know I must not do that.  I have to stop depriving my body of the fuel it needs to be strong.  I need to eat enough to be an Iron Mommy!

So, to all of you who I basically called crazy over the last few months, I apologize.  To everyone who was concerned, and tried to help thank you.  And to Mary, I may just owe you my life!