Note: I've been working on this post for quite some time. Mostly for myself. I don't really want to publish it, but I feel like I need to after the events of the last week. If nobody ever reads it, I'm ok with that. But I'm hoping by putting it out there, telling my story, I will somehow have some closure, and finally be able to heal.
I had a lot of potential. Teachers always told me that. I was in the gifted program and in honors classes. School came easily to me. When I grew up I wanted to be a teacher, a lawyer, or a child psychologist. I probably could have done any of the three. I slacked sometimes, but always pulled my grades up when it mattered. I even had an arrangement with my math teacher one year that I didn't have to do homework as long as my test and quiz grade remained above an A. I'm not bragging. It's true. I was not an over achiever, but I wanted to do well. I used to be smart. I could have gone far in life.
One day changed it all. July 18, 1992. I was a hostess at a local restaurant. My best friend was a "bus boy". On this particular night I had to wait for her to finish so I could drive her home, so I just hung out by the bar. I then saw a guy who had been in my Spanish class. He was a year ahead of me, and had just recently graduated. He was dj'ing a wedding in one of the banquet rooms, and was taking a break. He was friends with a guy I had been seeing toward the end of the year, so I didn't think of him as a friend, but I didn't think of him as a just a class mate either. When he asked if I felt like going for a walk, I figured it was no big deal since I had time to kill.
That was probably one of the worst choices I ever made. While on that walk, he forced me to have sex with him. I didn't want to. I had never had sex before. I was a virgin, and wasn't in a hurry to change that. Especially with a guy I barely knew. It wasn't violent. He didn't "hurt" me. But I said no, and he didn't care. He then went back to the wedding, and I went and sat quietly waiting for my friend to finish up. On the drive home, I told her what had happened. But I left out the part about me not wanting it to happen. I was too ashamed. He was cute, and popular, so I acted like it was ok. I mean, he could have any girl in school, and he chose me. But inside, I was broken.
Somehow, within weeks, everyone knew that we had "hooked up". It became a joke. I became a joke. His girlfriend called my house harassing and threatening me. The guy I was seeing broke up with me. I wanted to be dead. I was so ashamed. How could I have done such a thing. I started blaming myself. I also started to pull away from people and things I had once cared about. Still, I told nobody the truth. I kept it inside. buried deep. Letting it slowly eat away at my heart and soul.
By the time my senior year started, it was common knowledge. I got teased about it. Daily. I had to plan my walk from class to class around his girlfriends schedule. She had several people who would threaten me for her. The one thing I wanted to not ever think about again was thrown in my face every time I turned around. Yet, I still blamed myself, and kept the secret. I started skipping classes, and my grades reflected it. I actually failed a class for the first time ever. It was a half year class, so I had the chance to take it again and still be able to graduate on time. During this time, I started dating a great guy. He didn't know what had happened, he didn't go to my school. So he was my escape from reality. I would call him in the middle of the day from the pay phone and have him come get me. He didn't know what I was running away from. And he never asked. He just came to take me away from whatever it was I needed to get away from.
I started making more and more destructive choices. Doing things that I would never have thought I would do. One of these choices caused my boyfriend and I to break up. This was more than I could handle. I was ready to end my life. The damage inside was too much for me to live with any longer. Thanks to one of my teachers, I didn't. I went to him, and told him what happened. I didn't tell him who it was. And he didn't ask. And eventually I confided in a few close friends, and then my boyfriend. He forgave me, and took me back, and continued to be my main source of sanity and escape.
But I was still broken. In trying to escape from reality, and continuing to skip school, I ended up failing that same class the second time around. I didn't get to graduate with my class. I had to go to summer school.
I thought I could start over once I went to college. A new place, where nobody knew my story. A blank slate. Unfortunately, I found alcohol soon after I started school, and it helped to numb the pain. It also caused me to make many bad choices. I only lasted a year at school. And probably had the worlds lowest GPA.
The following year, when all of my friends went back to college, I stayed behind, and bounced from job to job, boyfriend to boyfriend. Making one bad life choice after another. All the while, wishing I could find that fresh start I was looking for. Fill the void that he left inside of me. This went on until January of 1996, when I found out that I was pregnant. The scariest news in the entire world for an unwed 20 year old girl. But the news that saved me from myself. While it didn't fix what he had broken, knowing that I had someone else who now was going to be 100% dependent on me changed something. Finding out I was pregnant saved my life.
All these years later, I don't think about it every day. I now know it wasn't my fault. But it still has an impact on me. I know that my life could have been so much better had I never gone for that walk. I am still broken.
I had a lot of potential. Teachers always told me that. I was in the gifted program and in honors classes. School came easily to me. When I grew up I wanted to be a teacher, a lawyer, or a child psychologist. I probably could have done any of the three. I slacked sometimes, but always pulled my grades up when it mattered. I even had an arrangement with my math teacher one year that I didn't have to do homework as long as my test and quiz grade remained above an A. I'm not bragging. It's true. I was not an over achiever, but I wanted to do well. I used to be smart. I could have gone far in life.
One day changed it all. July 18, 1992. I was a hostess at a local restaurant. My best friend was a "bus boy". On this particular night I had to wait for her to finish so I could drive her home, so I just hung out by the bar. I then saw a guy who had been in my Spanish class. He was a year ahead of me, and had just recently graduated. He was dj'ing a wedding in one of the banquet rooms, and was taking a break. He was friends with a guy I had been seeing toward the end of the year, so I didn't think of him as a friend, but I didn't think of him as a just a class mate either. When he asked if I felt like going for a walk, I figured it was no big deal since I had time to kill.
That was probably one of the worst choices I ever made. While on that walk, he forced me to have sex with him. I didn't want to. I had never had sex before. I was a virgin, and wasn't in a hurry to change that. Especially with a guy I barely knew. It wasn't violent. He didn't "hurt" me. But I said no, and he didn't care. He then went back to the wedding, and I went and sat quietly waiting for my friend to finish up. On the drive home, I told her what had happened. But I left out the part about me not wanting it to happen. I was too ashamed. He was cute, and popular, so I acted like it was ok. I mean, he could have any girl in school, and he chose me. But inside, I was broken.
Somehow, within weeks, everyone knew that we had "hooked up". It became a joke. I became a joke. His girlfriend called my house harassing and threatening me. The guy I was seeing broke up with me. I wanted to be dead. I was so ashamed. How could I have done such a thing. I started blaming myself. I also started to pull away from people and things I had once cared about. Still, I told nobody the truth. I kept it inside. buried deep. Letting it slowly eat away at my heart and soul.
By the time my senior year started, it was common knowledge. I got teased about it. Daily. I had to plan my walk from class to class around his girlfriends schedule. She had several people who would threaten me for her. The one thing I wanted to not ever think about again was thrown in my face every time I turned around. Yet, I still blamed myself, and kept the secret. I started skipping classes, and my grades reflected it. I actually failed a class for the first time ever. It was a half year class, so I had the chance to take it again and still be able to graduate on time. During this time, I started dating a great guy. He didn't know what had happened, he didn't go to my school. So he was my escape from reality. I would call him in the middle of the day from the pay phone and have him come get me. He didn't know what I was running away from. And he never asked. He just came to take me away from whatever it was I needed to get away from.
I started making more and more destructive choices. Doing things that I would never have thought I would do. One of these choices caused my boyfriend and I to break up. This was more than I could handle. I was ready to end my life. The damage inside was too much for me to live with any longer. Thanks to one of my teachers, I didn't. I went to him, and told him what happened. I didn't tell him who it was. And he didn't ask. And eventually I confided in a few close friends, and then my boyfriend. He forgave me, and took me back, and continued to be my main source of sanity and escape.
But I was still broken. In trying to escape from reality, and continuing to skip school, I ended up failing that same class the second time around. I didn't get to graduate with my class. I had to go to summer school.
I thought I could start over once I went to college. A new place, where nobody knew my story. A blank slate. Unfortunately, I found alcohol soon after I started school, and it helped to numb the pain. It also caused me to make many bad choices. I only lasted a year at school. And probably had the worlds lowest GPA.
The following year, when all of my friends went back to college, I stayed behind, and bounced from job to job, boyfriend to boyfriend. Making one bad life choice after another. All the while, wishing I could find that fresh start I was looking for. Fill the void that he left inside of me. This went on until January of 1996, when I found out that I was pregnant. The scariest news in the entire world for an unwed 20 year old girl. But the news that saved me from myself. While it didn't fix what he had broken, knowing that I had someone else who now was going to be 100% dependent on me changed something. Finding out I was pregnant saved my life.
All these years later, I don't think about it every day. I now know it wasn't my fault. But it still has an impact on me. I know that my life could have been so much better had I never gone for that walk. I am still broken.
Comments
You are actually in the most beautiful place caroline..... your life is a canvas, you are the artist. Let the past just drop like a garbage bag down the stairs. There is so much value in who you are..... believe it..... no one else can give you that gift but you. You have the power to create any kind of life that you want now..... if not now.... then when?
Your life is the canvas, you get to be the artist. Allow nothing to hold you back!