Watch Out It’s Messy In Here

This past weekend I "ran" my first marathon.  I put ran in quotes because with my official finish time, I don't feel as if I was running very much.  5:31:45.  An hour over my goal time of 4.5 hours.  To say I am disappointed in myself is an understatement.  I am almost ashamed of my results.  I know to some that may sound like I'm looking for sympathy, or to others it may sound absurd.  But, it's the truth.  I set out to do something, and I feel as if I did not accomplish it.  As if I've failed.   So, below is my race report on the 2011 Philadelphia Marathon, in an effort to put it behind me and move on. Both of my boys wanted to go to the marathon.  And I wanted both of them there.  So, my wonderful friend Erin agreed to come along for the ride and keep an eye on them during the race.  Saturday morning we packed up Ruby the Rav4 and headed out for the trip.  We made it down there with very little difficulty, c...

I remember lots of things.  Weird random facts I learned in 7th grade, the birthday of a girl I haven't been friends with since 8th grade, the phone number of my childhood best friend, or part of a colorguard routine I did hundreds of times back in high school.  I have many wonderful memories, like holding each of my children for the first time, the way it felt the first time I crossed a finish line at a race, my first kiss, the rush I used to get when performing in front of a crowd.  The funny things kids have said over the years, like one of them saying remembories, instead of memories. I also have many memories I wish I could forget.  The phone call on Thanksgiving morning telling me of a good friends death the night before, saying goodbye to the baby I never met, saying goodbye to my little brother as he went off to fight a war, comforting my heartbroken son when he got cut from the basketball team, seeing my baby pale, and unresponsive in the back of an ambulanc...

As part of my quest for iron, I was advised to first run a marathon.  Something I've thought about doing since I became a runner almost three years ago, but never seriously considered a possibility.  But, if I want to complete a full Ironman, I obviously need to be able to run 26.2, so I decided that I needed to complete my first marathon by the end of this year.  My friend Erin then chose the Philadelphia Marathon for us to do as our first, together.  When I told Kristin that I wanted to run Philly, she informed me that it was her favorite one.  What kind of sick group of  people am I now hanging out with that they have a favorite marathon?!?  But her endorsement of the event confirmed that this was the one for me to do.  Erin since changed her mind because of her college budget and schedule not making it a possibility for this year, but KW and I agree that I should still do it.  Well, having this goal now with set date not only makes it ...

A race I wanted to do that sold out before I could register opened back up yesterday. My coach called to tell me. I immediately came up with every reason why I couldn't do it. She immediately retorted with solutions to the reasons I came up with. My reasons are valid. I can't afford it. My bike SUCKS. It's a hilly course, and I've ridden nothing but flats for 2 months. And, oh yeah, it's this Saturday! Do I want to do the race? HELL YES! Do I think I can? ummmmmm, I don't know. I think this is why I'm coming up with the excuses. I could finish it. But would I be happy with my time? Or would I beat myself up over the third triathlon failure of the year? Or, could I do what K Dub wants, and just have fun? Enjoy the hills, do it because I love triathlon, not for any other reason. I will admit, if I had $100 extra bucks in my account, I would just sign up. And the thought of doing another race excites me. I could use the adrenaline ru...

This morning I had planned on going to an open water swim with the tri club.  I was very much looking forward to it.  Two days ago when I found out my oldest had soccer practice at 8, I told him I would have to drop him off at 7:15, because I had to be at the beach, half an hour from the school, by 7:45.  He was okay with that.  Even arranged for someone to come meet him to shoot goals for extra practice.  Oh, wait, I have two sons.  What about Bubba?  I could bring him to the beach, and he could sit there and play while I swam.   But, I couldn't ask people who don't know him, and he doesn't know, to keep an eye on him while I swam a mile.  The boy is painfully shy.  He would never go for that.   I could ask my parents, but he gets up early, and they don't.  They deserve to sleep in on a Saturday.   they did say it was okay, so I was all set to go. As of last night when I went to bed, I was going to the ...

Two weeks ago I decided I was going to drive up to Lake Placid and volunteer for Iron Man, so that I could register for next year, since it is rumored to be the last year there.  I asked my friend who I knew wouldn't be able to say no if he would go up with me to volunteer and register.  He didn't hesitate to say yes!  I then got a friend to agree to front me the money, signed us up for our volunteer slots, and told him it was a go. Of  course it was so last minute there were no rooms left, so the plan was to just sleep in my car.  No biggie, since we only going to be there for one night.  And then I started to really think about my plan to register.  Was it really wise to do this?  Would it be smart to borrow that kind of money?  Would I physically and/or mentally be able to handle Iron Man Lake Placid in 2012??  If my therapist knew of my plans, would she lock me in a padded room?  After much thought, and discussion with my exper...

It's been a crazy two weeks!   I finally got a haircut because my most awesome hairdresser and now former neighbor gave me one on the house.  Feels and looks so much better!  I'm as settled in to my parents as I ever will be. I moved my stuff into storage and moved myself into here last weekend.  From the time I left the house on Saturday until the ex came back to the house Monday evening someone stole the grill off of our deck, and three bikes plus tools and assorted other things from our shed.  Police and insurance notified, now we wait...  I've been slacking on blogging, mostly because I don't have a computer of my own.  I have to share the lap top with my parents and brother since "our" laptop stayed at the house.  I'm working on getting a wireless card put into the old dinosaur of a desktop that is mine so I can set it up in my room.  I promise a more detailed update soon.  Thanks to everyone for your support during this su...

There are lots of things I wish I was doing this weekend. A mani pedi would be awesome.  I've only had two in my life, but my feet would appreciate some pampering and my nails look horrendous from packing and cleaning. Racing,  Many of my friends are participating in races all over the place this weekend.  It would be much more fun to be there with them.  Floating.  In my mom and dad's pool.  Just laying on a raft and drifting around the pool. Shopping!  I haven't gotten new clothes in quite some time.  From what I hear the flowing shapeless flowered dresses that I lived in during high school are back.  If I had some money, I would be getting a few. Getting a cut and color.  My last hair cut was on Dec 31 2009!  I'm way over due.  And getting your hair washed and brushed by someone else feels really good. Hanging with old friends.  A girls night, with munchies and drinks, talking about the good old days. But,...

A few weeks ago I was asked to write a guest post for Care One .  I'm reposting it here on my blog for my readers who may not have seen it: Have you ever had to turn in all of your change to get your 14 year old son a hair cut? Have you ever borrowed money from your sons piggy bank to put gas in your car? Have you ever not taken your child to the doctor when you probably should have because you didn't have the money for the co-pay (not to mention the extra gas)? Have you ever gone over 18 months without a hair cut because you just can't justify spending that money on yourself right now? Have you ever hidden an invitation to a birthday party from your kid because you didn't want to have to tell them you couldn't afford to buy the child a gift? Unfortunately, since my husband moved out, I can answer yes to all of those questions. I still refer to him as my husband even though we decided over a year ago that our marriage was over, because we haven't l...

Today is our 13th wedding anniversary.  Tomorrow is the 1 year anniversary of me finding out about the other woman, and two days after that is when we agreed to end the marriage.  This weekend I'm moving out of my house.  Basically the week sucks.  Then throw in the anniversary of my miscarriage fourth of July weekend, and I may as well put myself back in the psych ward for the next 3 weeks.  Yesterday I spent the day mourning what had been my life.  The boys went with their dad for father's day, and I lay in bed sobbing and crying and wishing it would all go away.  I remembered all of the awesome fun times we had as a family.  I thought about our wedding day, the days the boys were born.  The fun times we had together.  Tonight they will be with him too.  I'm going to go for a long ride and run, and then come home and probably cry just a little more.  Then, tomorrow, I will move on.  I will pick up the pieces...

I have lots of tri buddies.  Some are slower, most are faster.  I have friends I talk about training with.  Friends who I run with, friends I bike with, friends I swim with.  I have friends I motivate and friends who motivate me.  There are my tri heroes, my tri coaches, and even my tri enemies.  Everyone I have met in real life or chatted with on line because of triathlon has a special place in my tri life.  Love or hate, they have all gotten me to where I am in the sport. There are also several people who I have met who have been more than just an influence to me as an athlete.  They have become great friends who have helped me through some of the most difficult days of my life.  They have called, texted, dropped by.  Dragged me out for a swim, bike or run when I needed most to stop thinking.  They have gotten me to where I am in life. There is one person who has become a big part of my life because of triathlon who less than ...

I've really been thinking that I was done with triathlon.  That the two seasons I had under my belt would be the only two.  Blame it on my circumstances, blame it on the meds, blame it on me being a Gemini.  Not sure what it was, but I haven't been feeling that desire that I had the last two years.  I decided to still do Green Lakes mostly so I wouldn't disappoint a few select people who's opinions truly matter to me.  My plan was really just to show up and do it.  And then train my butt off for Iron Girl because I have a whole slew of people I owe big time for that race.  It all started coming back to me last Wednesday night.  I met up with my buds at Oneida Shores for the CNY Tri training series.  Since I had only been in the water once in the past two months, I really needed an open water swim, and I was a little nervous about transitions this season now that I've added a new pair of shoes to the mix.  I did that swim with my frien...

Yesterday was my first tri of the season.  It was also my first tri since he moved out.  My first tri since my hospital stay, and my first tri with out my original training buddy Missy who originally motivated me to tri in the first place. It was also my first tri on meds, and my first tri with my period (i know tmi, but it was an unneeded stressor)  Not to mention my first tri season with out a coach.  Needless to say, I wasn't feeling ready for it.  About a week before I told a few friends that I quit.  That I wasn't doing it.  That I knew I couldn't.  I had so much self doubt, and the voice of one former "friend" telling me I didn't have what it would take kept ringing in my ear.  A couple of my friends said, ok, if that's what you want, we will support you.  But Kristin wasn't having it.  Her text to me went something like this:  it's a sold out race, you took a spot that someone else could have had, you owe it to them t...

My birthday quite often falls on Memorial Day weekend.  This happened to be one of those years.  The Ex had a reunion thing going on all weekend, so even though it was his weekend in the every other schedule, we agreed that I would take the boys.  Win win situation, he could do all of his events, I got to spend my birthday with my guys.  Then I started thinking that we should do something fun.  Go camping, or on a trip.  Celebrate Memorial Day, and ignore my birthday.  So I contacted my favorite cousin-in-law in the 'burbs of Boston to see if she would be up for some house guests the last weekend of May.  As always, she was more than willing to be our hostess. The plan was to not let them know that it was my birthday.  Threatened the boys with death, or worse, embarrassment in front of friends, if any of the Mass cousins found out.  I kind of wanted to just not have a birthday this year.  They agreed to keep my secret.  I told...

“Today, is the end of a very long chapter, and the beginning of a very beautiful chapter for me,” Those words were spoken by Elizabeth Smart after her kidnapper was sentenced to life in prison.  That scared little girl who was kidnapped at 14 has grown into a beautiful, strong woman.  She spoke without a quiver in her voice, she didn't read from notes, she spoke from her heart.  Elizabeth Smart had something horrific happen to her in the past, but she is not letting it ruin her future.  Watching this incredible girl speak on the news this morning made me realize that if she can overcome the horrors she had to endure, anyone can.  My sister was in an abusive relationship for many years.  We never knew how bad it was.  The emotional and verbal abuse was evident, but the physical abuse was well hidden.  One day she had enough, and walked away.  He didn't let her go easily, and still has a hold on her via their children, but he can never agai...

My training buddy Erin and I set out for an hour ride from my house last night. She was not in the mood for real hilly, so I did my best to avoid the big ones (and in my neck of the woods, we have big hills aplenty). We were on some main roads, and it was raining off and on, so we kept our speed on the cautious side. But at some point, if we wanted to get back to my house, there was going to have to be a hill. Unfortunately, the hill was shortly after an intersection, and I completely lost my momentum, and my energy, and had to walk up the hill. I've done this hill in the past, it's not that bad, but it must have just been the perfect storm of wet, tired, and under fueled that stopped me from making it this time. Erin had no idea where we were most of the time, so she was behind me, getting the spray from my tires in her face. She also had the pleasure of getting to stare at my hot pink underwear that was clear as day through my black compression shorts. I guess it's...

Not going to do a 70.3 this year Not going to do 140.6 next year Not going to run a marathon this year. It's mostly financial of course.  Not having the Y membership means not having a place to do swim workouts.  I can't swim a mile with no training.  Add to that the cost of registering for the races.  And to get into LP, you gotta volunteer so you can sign up the day after.  It just ain't gonna happen with no sponsors or sugar daddy.  So, we will keep all three of those things on my bucket list.  Someday I will be able to cross them off. 

When ever my mom is sore from a work out, she calls the pain her souvenir.  So when I mention that my legs hurt, or my calves are tight, she always says, you have lots of souvenirs.  Today's souvenirs are blisters on both thumbs from planting a memorial perennial garden over my cat's grave.  Yesterday's souvenir was a sore butt from from riding the bike course for the tri I'm doing in three weeks.  On Mother's Day I had more souvenirs than I could count from the boot camp class I did.  The reason she refers to them as souvenirs is because they are reminders of your work out.  Some of my souvenirs that I am most proud of how I earned them, yet also most embarrassed by are the ones that remind me of 18 of the best months of my life.  They are the silvery lines that cover my stomach and sides.  The stretch marks I earned by growing my both of my boys inside of me.  Because of these souvenirs I never wear anything that allows my abdomen to show...

Since I still feel like a tri newbie, and I have so many experienced and pro tri friends, I've decided to make a a little survey/quiz to find out how the experts do things. Time of day do you most often do your workouts?  Why? What do you wear on race day? What do you eat on race day? Sleeveless or full wetsuit? Where do you come up with your training plans? What do you do when weather "interrupts" your planned work out? Do you train in the same shoes you race in? Do you really pee on your bike?   Besides swim, bike, run, what other exercise do you find most useful for your training? If you could give just one piece of advice to a tri newbie, what would it be?  Just a few simple questions, but I hope to get some pointers from my rock star tri buddies!

My first triathlon of the season is four weeks from today.  I'm pretty sure I am going to bonk, hard core, but I will finish the race on my own two feet.  This training as a single mom is a little harder than I thought.  Especially with both boys having activities that take up time.  I'm hoping to get on the bike  course at least once prior to the race.  Was supposed to ride today, but my training partner got scared off by the rain.  I still love her any way.  Came to the realization this afternoon that Green Lakes tri takes place on what will most likely be day two of my cycle.  This is not a good thing.  Really hope I'm late this cycle, so that I don't have to worry about it.  I know you don't need to know this, but it's kind of freaking me out.   One thing I had hoped to avoid until I don't feel like a newbie triathlete anymore.   Sometimes men don't know how easy they have it!   Really would still appreciat...

I did not write my last blog post looking for handouts.  I was just venting about the system.  That's all I wanted to do.  I actually took my entire blog down, and deleted all of my Facebook posts about the situation because of the responses.  Not bad responses.  I was being inundated with offers of help.  I turned down all of the ones that were offered, but there were some that just literally showed up at my door.  I would like to thank each and every one of you who offered assistance and for those who gave help.  I am truly blessed to be surrounded by friends and family who are so caring and generous.  I can only hope that I am able to pay it forward in the future. Thank You!

After all was said and done, and I paid my bills, I had no money left over for groceries this week.  I have cereal, milk, and a few odds and ends, but no dinners.  Our Mother's Day dinner consisted of pancakes, cereal and the last of the cantaloupe from last weeks shop.  Luckily the boys school lunch accounts was filled up by their father  on Friday, so they are set for lunch.   Mondays and Wednesday's they go to their dad's, so I don't have to worry about those nights.  Tuesday is a baseball night, so cereal will do since we have to eat fast to get to the field, they won't question it.  But by Thursday, The Big One will be sick of having nothing to snack on after school, and cereal will probably not pass as dinner for a third night.  My plan was to hit up the food bank yesterday.  Since gas consumption is a concern, I looked online and found the one closest to my work that was open on Mondays.  Called ahead to find out what I need...

Gas is currently 4.05, or 4.09, or 4.12 a gallon where I live.  Who knows it may be even higher today. We were without internet, cable, or phone for over a week, because I couldn't pay the bill. I have $40 after the bills were paid today to cover my gas and groceries for a week. My student loan is garnished from my paycheck because I defaulted while home being a mommy to Spencer for the first year of his life.  They get $100/week from me.  The only way to stop that is to pay an extra $120/month out of my own pocket for 9 consecutive months. My oldest son will be graduating from high school in 3 years.  He's gonna want to go to college.  I'm gonna want to help him out with that. Once my divorce is final, and I am on my work's health insurance, my paycheck will be even smaller every week.  And the insurance doesn't cover much. I owe thousands of dollars from my little "retreat" I went on for 5 days back in January that isn't covered by our cu...

Temporarily w/out internet. Be back soon.....

Happy Easter!

My first ever triathlon was the first Syracuse Iron Girl in 2009.  I had never planned on being a triathlete.  But my friend Missy kind of challenged me to join her in doing her first one, and I am not one to back down from a challenge.  Because this was the first time the event was coming, there were quite a few newbie triathletes.  Many women who had never done an open water swim.  Women who didn't even own a bike.  Women who had only just started running 5ks (myself included).  But we all took on the Iron Girl challenge, and they made us all believe that we could, and that we would in fact, finish the race. Up until the day of the race I was doubtful that I could do this.  I questioned my sanity in taking on such a big challenge.  I had only done my first 5k two months earlier.  I only got a handful of swimming workouts in.  What the hell was I thinking.  Missy and I kept encouraging each other that we could do it. ...

As of tomorrow, I will once again be a one bike triathlete. I am canceling the layaway. I'm hoping they can put the money I used as the first payment toward the clips and shoes that I don't have money for instead. There is no way I can pay the bike off, feed my kids, put gas in my car, and pay my bills. Not to mention the race entry fees I still haven't paid for the races I am planning on doing. It was an impulse decision that was just not rational of me to make. I am very sad, maybe in mourning just a bit, but I know it will be ok. I will do my races on my too heavy road bike, and it will be ok. I may have already fallen in love with that beautiful silver piece of carbon beauty, but at least I haven't named it yet. That would make it worse. Someday I will have a tri bike. Just not this season. Maybe not even next. But, someday.

I love my boys.  They are my reason for being.  My reason for getting up in the morning, my reason for going to work every day.  They are my life.  If something were to happen to either of them a piece of me would die.  I know this is not uncommon for a mother to feel this way.  They were the reason I was considering maybe going into the military.  I need to be able to support them, to give them the life they deserve.  I thought this was a means, albeit a drastic one, to that end.  As of the wee hours of this morning, I know that I can not leave them.  That if I went into the military, and something were to happen to me, they would not be ok.  Even my 14 year old needs his mommy right now.  The events of last night were proof of that fact.  The Big One has asthma.  He was diagnosed with it when I was pregnant with Bubba.  So, we've been dealing with it for 7 years.  We've had some "scary" episodes, but noth...

It's Sunday evening, and I'm supposed to be at Swim clinic.  But, Soccer Mom beat out Iron Mom today.  The Big One had a soccer tournament all day at Hobart College in Geneva, NY today, and we didn't get home early enough for me to feed the children, and myself, and make it to the Y in time for class.  Not to mention spending a day in the sun and cold wind watching your kid play soccer all day makes you very tired.  It was a nice day, and I got to watch my boy play in four soccer games.  I will always put my kids first.  If I have to chose between their activities, or my training, there is no question which wins.  Being the awesome mom I am, we actually went up to Geneva yesterday, got a hotel room, and the three of us had a mini get away.  From my hotel room I could see the back of Geneva Bike Shop.  The Big One commented that it was a good thing they were closed, because he was pretty sure I would have dragged them in there.  And I pi...

As the weather gets warmer, I am wearing less bulky clothing.  Clearly nobody at work reads my blog, so they all missed my post about what NOT to say to a "skinny person".  In the past few days, no less than four people have come right out and asked me if I was anorexic.  What the hell is going through their minds as they ask me that?  Are they jealous?  Do they think it's a compliment?  I just don't get it.  I feel like screaming at them.  "IT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!!!"   I did say to one of them that it's an issue that my doctor and I are dealing with, and thanked her for her concern.  Her reply was "So do you think you're fat?"  REALLY?  I just admitted that I had a problem, and you're going there. Then, yesterday, an email was going around work with the following cartoon in it: I decided to revise the cartoon, and will be hanging it in my cubicle (maybe minus the swearing....) For the reco...

Last week I went to the bike shop to try on bike shoes, and figure out what size I wear in them, since they don't run like regular shoes.  Wasn't buying, just figuring out what I wanted.  A friend of mine works there, and was trying to tempt me with a tri bike.  It was nice, but I wasn't looking for a bike.  I've only had Pepe since July.  So, he then convinced me to bring my bike in for a bike fit, since I bought it online, and my father and I put it together.  So, yesterday morning, I took it in.  He watched me ride it, made adjustments, and wow, huge difference.  Then we started talking about all the things I should do to it to make it ride-able for Syracuse 70.3 .  As he was listing all the parts I would need to buy, and we started adding them up, it was going to cost almost as much as the bike did originally!  So, I started thinking about the bike he showed me last week.  And told him to throw it on the trainer, so I could try...

Yesterday Sucked.  Plain and simple.  It was an emotionally draining day, that left me feeling empty.  It was the anniversary of the suicide of my sister-in-law's sister.  I went to the memorial mass during my lunch break, to show her my support.  Sitting in the pew behind them, watching her mother shake, crying, still devastated by the heartache of losing her daughter three years ago.  Seeing her father, and the broken man he has become.  And my SIL, who still asks why.  Who blames herself.  Who wishes she could go be with her sister, because she is so lost with out her.  The reason this was so difficult for me this year was because I almost caused this pain to my parents and my sister.  I almost broke the hearts of two little boys.  I was so close to committing the most selfish act humanly possible.  Sitting there, I was over come with guilt, knowing that those three broken souls in front of me could have been my mom, an...

I have never taken an ice bath I don't own any real tri clothing I don't even own bike shorts I still use regular pedals with my running sneakers I let the snooze button win more often than not I've never puked while training I've never blown a snot rocket I've never "bonked" I don't feel like a real triathlete yet.  I feel like an intruder, an invader among actual triathletes.  Like I don't quite belong in this world yet.  I want to be here, but I haven't quite earned my place yet.  I really want to sign up for Rev3 Quassy, and just go for it.  I don't really have the money, and haven't been training for an Olympic distance triathlon to be the first tri of the season.  But, if I were a real triathlete, wouldn't I figure out a way to make it happen?  To be at the starting line, and to cross the finish line? I'm trying to find my "why". Why do I want to continue competing in this world I don't belong?...